We Will Make It Through

Today is the day where many just post a simple picture to express something beautiful, something important, something silly - just something and avoid the writing altogether.

Fortunately for you - I'm not one of them!!

Remember how last week I posted about my son and his anger issues? And then I posted about how thankful I am?

Well, right now my son is still angry and I'm not feeling at all thankful.

I am thankful but I'm not.

I'm not thankful for the aggression and anger that my son has and that there is nothing I can do about it.
(post publish edit: yes, there is something I can do about it but I feel helpless and don't know what to do since he lives with his dad full-time and our relationship is not the best of them)

This past weekend Bug was having an issue with Monkey - Monkey knows how to push his buttons more than most.

So in the process of him fighting with his brother, he spills his breakfast in the car, starts crying and then yells at his brother some more than negative things that I would rather not write out because it is just too shocking for me as a mom.

I stopped buckling Baby Girl into her car seat and immediately began to tell him that language like that was not acceptable and he was not to speak like that to his brother (and by tell I mean scream at the top of my lungs - I know, not a proud mommy moment).

He started to "explain" himself and I told him there was no excuse - his response to that was to throw his food at me.

Yeah, that's a first for him.

My heart dropped and tears built up in my eyes because I didn't know what to do.

I did the only thing I could do - I called his father.

He spoke with his father and stayed mad. He said he didn't want to be with me and that he wanted to be with his father but that I was "lucky" because his dad said it was my day and he had to stay with me.

We rode on and the fighting just continued to the point that I had to switch the seating arrangements in the car once again because of him - this time Baby Girl sat next to him.

He doesn't get mad at her. He loves her like crazy. This should work.

It did.

It was a calmer ride to my house.

He apologized once again for his behavior and that he doesn't mean to. I know he doesn't.

It's just a switch that goes on and one that he can't shut down until the blow-out is over.

And when the blow out is over, he looks at his damage and the people he has hurt either physically by a slap or punch, and emotionally by his words - and he feels remorse, and he starts to cry.

And he says he hates his life, and he hates himself.

And I cry - because my boy - who can smile and laugh and make the world a wonderful place has this darkness inside him that he doesn't understand and that is tearing him apart.

His siblings love him still and want to be with him which is good. He has not scared them away. Yet.

I need to talk to his father - we need to come up with a plan.

Our son cannot continue to hurt this way.

He is my world - all of them are - but he is so fragile...he needs more and we sometimes forget that because he is so verbal and such a big kid.

But big kids need help too.

I love you Bug!! I always will and we will make it through this - no matter how hard it gets we will make it through.

In the spirit of Wordless Wednesday - here is my baby as he has grown up....my gorgeous boy.

I'm writing in connection with Shell at Things I Can't Say and the Pour Your Heart Out Series