Monday, February 3, 2014

One Second at a Time

Wow! Look at all the cobwebs building up and the dust! Yuck!!

I know, I know, I haven't written in a be honest, I just haven't been in the mood.

Lately I have been going on a roller coaster of emotions that I just can't seem to get the snap down harness to "un-click" so that I can get off.

I know many of my posts lately have been happy and upbeat and all-inspirational-in-attempt but this one, I have to admit, is not.

The past few days while I have been trying to be all happy positive (if you're friends with me on FB you know this to be true LOL) I have been actually hiding myself.

The truth of the matter is, I'm having a really hard time with it, with life in general.

I go from moments of pure elation and "I can do anything!" attitude to just wanting to crawl into the nearest dark corner and rock and cry.

There are so many things out of my control right now and I am hating it!!

Between the whole looking for a new job so that I can be closer to my children, the stress of the current job I'm in, so many ups and downs with the kids (that's a whole other post in and of itself), and the fact that where I used to feel most at home is no longer my safe haven - my home is almost 200 miles heart is so far away and at this point, I'm worried about when I will get back there to retrieve it.

Like right now I am holding back tears as I type this because well, I'm at work and I don't want my eyeliner to run.

I came home last night after an amazing few days with my children, family and friends and when I walked through the door - it felt strange. It felt like I didn't belong here anymore.

Sleeping in a bed alone is the hardest part of it I think.

I'm a person that needs to love, that needs to take care of someone, that's how I find fulfillment in myself. Weird huh?

Don't get me wrong, I am taking care of me too. I am doing things for myself and actually enjoying spending alone time a lot more than I used to. I'm okay with it.

But there is still something that is missing...there is that piece that just isn't filled.

I know I need to be patient and I know that there are so many people out there that love me unconditionally but to be honest its not the same.

I'm still hurt and angry at what happened in December. I keep asking the why's and even though I understand and I know it was actually for the heart still hurts and is angry. Angry at him. Angry at me. Hurt at the fact that my life is in a downward spiral right now.

I know the control is actually in my hands and I make my life what I want of it but right now, what I want is so far out of reach and involves so many things that I'm losing the control. I'm losing the grip.

I actually just got off the phone with a friend who called me and I couldn't stop unloading on her.

The fears, the worry, the anxiety - its all just built up to this moment and I need to let it go.

For now, I write in hopes that it will just get it off my chest and help alleviate some of the weight.

And now, I just wait and breathe and take it one second at a time...because honestly, that's all I can handle right about now.

Much love.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Crossing the Finish Line

On Friday I posted this on my Facebook page

I heard it on the radio that morning and it resonated with me.

Every day we are given the chance to build ourselves back up from what we were yesterday. Whether it was a bad day at work, an argument with a friend, loss of a loved one, or an impacting change in our lives.

We are not required to just remain who we used to be but offered a new day to grow and improve ourselves so that tomorrow can be better than yesterday.

I took my first step on Sunday.

I participated in the 16th annual Key West Half Marathon and 5k. I ran my first 5k in support of Surfers for Autism and Train 4 Autism.

I honestly did not know that I could do it.

I have been battling an unknown ankle injury that just does not seem to go away and nobody can tell me what it is.

I didn't train because of said bum ankle.

I doubted myself and I think I used the crutch of my ankle as an excuse to back out and not try at all.

But then I remembered why I signed up for the race. For families like mine to continue to receive the benefits of those two organizations.

I had the support of some amazing people in my life who told me that I could do it and again reminded me why I was doing it. They told me never to give up and that what truly mattered is that I try and cross that finish line.

So I woke up at 5am that very cold 55 degree morning, drove down to Key West, picked up my race bib and prepared myself for what I was about to undertake.

As the time came near to approach the starting line, I was nervous. I looked at the people around me who looked like they have been doing this for quite a while now and my nerves began to take hold.

Then I remembered the quote above.

I was being given my tomorrow to make my changes to who I want to be and this was my start.

So I put in my earbuds, turned on the Pandora, took a deep breath and began to move with the crowd.

At first my pace was fast and I was feeling the burn...why was I pushing myself so hard? I didn't have anything to prove to anyone but I slowed it down. I changed my pace to a run/walk so as not injure my ankle further.

I took in the sights and the energy of everyone around me.

I kept going and pushed through the 1 mile mark, the turn around, the 2 mile mark...I took advantage of the water being handed out.

As I neared the 3 mile mark, the "cheerleaders" kept yelling..."almost there, you can do this!" and so I picked up my pace, got my fourth wind in me and quickly realized to myself.... "I can do this! I am doing it!"

And so as I approached the finish line and I saw the clock showing the time...42:33...tears came to my eyes.

I was crying because I did it!

I felt great! Adrenaline was coursing through my body. I was calling and texting everyone I knew.

I was excited for what I had accomplished.

Even when I felt like I couldn't do it, the love and support of my family and friends pushed me through it. The desire to help others was my driving force.

I did something I didn't think I could.

And now, I'm ready to start training for a half marathon!

There is nothing in this world that we can't do. We have to believe in ourselves and when we feel down we need to look to our friends and family who build us up to give us that extra shot of "Get up and go" that we need.

Here are some shots post race...I'm waiting for the professional shots to be uploaded to share those with you.

I did it!! Woo Hoo!! And I'm smiling too!!

Actual post time...not bad huh?

Celebratory beer....gotta love being in the Keys!!

Much love!!

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Of Silence and Noise

Hey everyone! I know I haven't posted in a while...still trying to figure things out.

Getting back into the swing of things is not easy.

Being single is not easy.

I am so used to having someone around - someone to talk to and spend time with.

Now, well, that's not the case.

I'm getting used to being me, on my own, and the silence.

I don't like the silence or the solitude.

I know some people like to be alone and seek the silence whenever possible but to be honest, that is not me.

I need something to do, people to be with, I need friendships, companionship, the sound and noise.

This is taking a lot of getting used to.

I'm doing my best to get out there and have fun but honestly, I just can't wait to get back home.

Even though living in paradise is amazing, I need to go back home and be closer to my children, closer to my family, and closer to my friends.

That is what I am working on now - that is what I am focusing on - trying to cut through the silence to get back to the noise.