What I Should Have Said

It seems like lately I have been writing from my phone and of course tonight is no different. 

It is currently 1:06am and well, my mind is racing. 

It's the weekend and I never write on the weekends but I just had to write. 

You see, today (technically yesterday) was my day with my kids. As you all know, my kids live with their father so I have limited time with them. So I try to fill in as much of a weeks activity into one day. That includes time at the play place at BK after breakfast. 

As usual I get the "are they all yours?" And I of course answer the common "yes" and then the conversation moves further and then I'm asked this question...

"Don't you miss them?"

And I didn't have an answer aside from "of course" and proceeded to spend the rest of the morning with my children. 

I have never been asked this question before. Shocking, I know. 

I didn't know how to answer. I was stuck. Actually, I knew what I wanted to say, I just couldn't say it. Not at that moment, not in front of my kids.  

It bothered me all day. It is still bothering me to the point that I am still awake at 1:14am after a long drive home and the thoughts are pounding away in my head. 

I want to get this off my chest so I'm going to write a letter to this woman. She might not read it but this is to anyone who will ask me in the future and maybe, to myself...

Dear lady,

Do I miss my children? 

Really? Did you just ask me that?

Of course I miss them!! 

I miss them like I would miss the air to breathe or water to quench my thirst. 

I miss being able to wake them up in the mornings and argue with them about hurrying up for school because they are going to miss the bus. 

I miss the fact that my oldest daughter is growing up and instead of coming to me for advice she has to turn to someone else. I miss the fact that the same eldest daughter treats me like a baby sitter and not her mother and no matter what I do to get to through to her I just can't. 

Just getting her to look at me and smile and hear an audible "I love you" that was prompted not spontaneous breaks my heart into a million pieces. 

So yes, I miss them. 

I miss tucking them into bed and kissing them goodnight. 

I also miss the connection I had with my first son, the child everyone said was going to be a mama's boy. That connection is now replaced with the following statement when I tried to have a conversation with him "I don't feel comfortable being alone with you."

I miss checking their homework and making sure that they brushed their teeth before bed. 

I miss watching my second son meet his milestones even at the age of 9 or make connections with the world around him. I find myself watching him from afar and not knowing how to connect with him anymore. I just stand in awe of this amazing child that is so far out of my reach. 

I miss making them dinner and listening to them tell me how horrible it was and wondering if I could order pizza or buy Mc Donald's. 

I miss watching the light in my fourth child's eyes when he gets excited about a logo drawing he finished and wanted to share it with me. I miss holding him tight when the world he tries so hard to live in becomes so much that it sends him off the edge. 

I miss arguing about what clothes they need to wear to school or finding lost shoes. 

I miss the tight hugs and amazing laughter my youngest son gives me when he comes up to smile in my face and I grab him for a hug. And holding him in my arms and tickling his back until he falls asleep like the baby he is and always will be in my heart. 

I miss getting frustrated about the mess on the bedroom floors or the water all over the bathroom rug. 

I miss the good morning smiles and bed head that my baby girl gets in her curls. I miss being there to tickle her into her pretty pink clothes and just hearing her sing and dance like the center of attention that she is. 

I miss it all. 

Sincerely,

A mom who misses being a mom