The Worst Feeling Ever

You know that feeling that you get after you have had a horrible nightmare that feels so real?

You know that feeling that keeps your heart racing, your body sweating, and your head pounding as if it is a ticking time bomb ready to explode?

Yeah, that happened to me last night.

I had one of those nightmares.

The type that you wake up to not being able to breathe with tears streaming down your eyes because if just felt like it had happened right before your eyes and there was nothing you could do about it.

What disturbed me in my sleep?

A nightmare of seeing someone I love beyond words and logic on life support.

A nightmare of a child clinging to dear life with tubes and wires all around to ensure the ability to breathe.

A nightmare of rage and anger at not being able to stop or control what was going on and rescue this precious and perfect little person.

A nightmare of my youngest daughter Baby Girl, on life support, looking like an angel in the deepest of sleep.

There was no logic behind the images in my head.

I can't recall what happened in the moments that led up to my precious child being so ill.

There were no doctors to turn to in this horrible nightmare.

There were no answers.

All I remember is yelling and screaming "You were supposed to watch her!"

When I awoke the image was so engraved in my head that even when I close my eyes now, I still see it.

Her Victorian doll face, her light brown curls covering her pillow, her eyelashes so delicately closed, the lack of color to her always bright cheeks.

It was horrible.

The tears could not stop falling.

I had to leave my room. I had to leave my bed. I had to leave the place where these images came so freely into my sleeping subconscious.

I never want to feel that way again, even in a nightmare.

I never want to feel that way in the real world.

I don't think I could handle it.

There would be no walking away.

I just want to see her smile and laugh and play - that is the only way a child should be.