Looking for laughter

I'm looking for things to make me laugh to get me through this day,this week, this month.

You see, I'm not going to be able to see my babies until next month sometime because due to scheduling issues, visitation is not possible.

Do you know how hard this is? It is excruciating!

Yesterday I went with Mr. Big fishing before dinner. This usually relaxes me as I watch him fish so patiently. I like to look at the sunset and watch the waves move across the water and just listen to the sounds around me. Its a great stress relief for me, one I didn't think would actually work. Except for yesterday.

Yesterday all I could do was cry.

I didn't let Mr. Big see it because then the questions would start and he would not be too happy about the current visitation situation. He does not like it almost as much as I do.

I pulled out my phone and looked at the over 400 pictures I have of my children and my heart just began to ache and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

My chest was tight.

My throat was closing in.

My eyes were stinging with tears.

My mouth drying out.

I hated that feeling.

I was just numb and did not talk.

I still feel like that right now.

I tried making the best of the end of the day after our fishing excursion. I poured myself a glass of wine and began to watch Duck Dynasty while Mr. Big began to make dinner. Yes, I laughed, it helped a bit but was short lived.

The only comfort I found was lying next to Mr. Big in bed as we went to bed. This is the only place I feel calm right now.

I still have not told him how I'm feeling though...