Not Anymore...

Well, that didn't take long did it?

I just wrote yesterday that I was taking a break but today, today I have to speak...I have to say something.

I woke up as I usually do - instead of looking up the news, I opened up Facebook - even before I got out of bed to go pee...yeah, that bad...

And I was presented with this...

click on the image to enlarge

Which had my heart racing because I knew something was wrong - I knew something happened...something no parent should ever have to read....

I started looking and came across Lexi's blog post and then the racing stopped...my heart stopped.

It happened again... (the story is in the link)

This time with someone who's words I read a few times before.

A mom with who I connected on many levels.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't catch my breath, I was stuck.

Tears began to fall down my face because I was hurting for the family, for Issy, for Kelli, for the whole autism community.

One of our own - one we all found some connection with - one that many have considered to be one of the strongest voices and advocates for her child was brought to this point....

The point where the lines between the flawed system that is supposed to be there for us but isn't; the love and support that we receive from our family, friends, and communities; the hard times and difficult days that we face with our children that no matter how we try and explain nobody understands but us; the love we have for our children - that undying unwavering love - that point where these lines become blurred and are no longer visible. Where the anxiety, anger, love, fear, and depression takes hold and we can't find a way out...

This is what Kelli experienced - the only way out she saw after so much fighting was to end it all with her daughter who she fought so hard for by her side...

Like Lexi said, they are going to condemn this mother before anything else is said and done.

It wasn't too long ago when we attacked the mother of Alex Spourdalakis for her role in the death of her autistic son...

But for some reason, I just cannot be angry at Kelli - I cannot judge this time - I don't think I can judge from this point further...

I say this because I too have children with aggression issues - mine are boys - strong boys. One who bit me so hard he tore skin...I know the fears of what the future may hold....but I also know the love and passion that will never let me stop fighting for them, for their futures, for what they need to live in this world...

But we are human, we all have a breaking point...it is what we choose to do at that breaking point that makes the difference....but we can't judge - not anymore.

She was one of us; a blogger, an advocate, a shoulder to cry on, someone we said "I can relate to that" when we read her stories, she was a mother....

I may be talking in circles right now but I have to say this....

My heart is numb, my emotions frazzled, and I am scared...

Scared for the futures of our children, scared for the futures of our families, scared for a world that no matter how loud we shout and scream and sing for change - turns our volume down and ignores the plight of so many families out there.

We rush to help others in countries across the world but we are forgetting our own people - the ones who need it the most....

The only positive to this is - if there can even be one - is that Issy is still alive...

I send prayers and love to her family to heal during this time and that the damages she has suffered because of this are not as drastic as they can be - that she is able to recover, that her family is finally able to get the help that they need.

Moms - autism, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, epilepsy - ANYTHING!!! Just moms - all of us....If you find yourself at the breaking point, please I beg you PLEASE seek out help - find a friend, find a counselor, find a stranger - anybody - you can find me...I'm here...just please find help - there is no shame in this at all.

I love you all and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I love you.