There really is no handbook

I just want to scream and punch a wall.

Yeah, I'm violent today.

I want to send everyone and their mother to hell today because someone has made my good mood go sour.

Have you had one of those days?

I had a conversation this morning that I did not want to have because it is a duplicate of one that I am constantly having where I am having to defend myself for what I can and cannot do while being told that I am not putting the right people first, that I am putting myself first instead and not taking into consideration the feelings of others.

That is so not the case and not who I am. If anything I always think of everyone else before I think of myself. How is it possible to love and care for people so much but then be told that the way that you do it is wrong? That you do too much or too little? Is there a balance? Is there a right way? Is there a wrong way? Do we really ever know?

Some have even said that it is instinctual for me to act this way because I'm a mom and I just want to take care of others and make sure they are good before I even consider myself. This is the true representation of who I am, even when my children are not around. I can't change it - trust me, I've tried.

My godparents taught me one thing...that no matter what happens in life, as long as you did your best then you made it through whatever it is that you are struggling with. I miss them so much.

I am doing my best, the best with what I have and with who I am. I can't change the expectations of others or how they perceive me to be. I can only be the best me that I can be for my children, for those that I love and hold dear to me, and if it might sound selfish this time - the best me for me.

Thanks for listening. I feel better now.