Monday, September 30, 2013

Really Quick

I am working on a post but its going to take time - I'm waiting on some additional pictures before I can share it all but I did want to say this...


All of my babies surfed!!

The smiled!!

They laughed!!

Autism was nowhere in sight!!

I still cry at the memories!!

I can't wait to share it all with you but I want to send shout outs to the two organizations that made this possible...

Check them out and show your support for these amazing people!!

Teaser picture: 2 of my kids on in this shot - can you figure out which 2?
Photo Courtesy: MCrews

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Magical No Longer: The "Other" Disney Plan Most Don't Know About

If you haven't heard it by now, then I don't know where you have been living...

Maybe under a rock or out on a remote island somewhere but Disney is making changes. BIG changes.
Bug & Princess May 2009
You see a while back ago there was an exposé about the rich Manhattan socialites and their counterparts hiring disabled individuals to pose as family members so that they can use the Guest Assistance Program to bypass the lines and waits. This program also known as GAC allows those with special needs the ability to access a ride via the exit or fast pass entrance in order to avoid long wait times and assist park goers the ability to enjoy the park when otherwise they may not be able to because of their disabilities.

Well, apparently the socialites thought it wasn't fair and they wanted to be special too - as if their ability to spend tons of money on actual VIP tour guides that Disney offers - and screw the pooch for the rest of us who actually NEED it wasn't good enough.

Disney is now doing away with the GAC and instead implementing a new Disability Access Service program that follows this pattern:

1) Guest goes to Guest Services and obtains a DAS card - the individual with the disability is to be present and photographed for the DAS card - a new form of ID per se - that is only good for the day that the guest is at the park
2) Guest then goes to one of 4 kiosks in the HUGE park to obtain a "time" to go to their choice ride
3) Guest goes to said ride and well, rides via access through fast pass entrance
4) Guest then has to go back to one of 4 kiosks and start this all over again

How is that better?

Individuals with disabilities of varying degrees may not be mobile enough to go back and forth all willy nilly like this...also, there will be more times where guests will be waiting in lines than ever before. With children like mine or many other with autism - waiting in line is well, not good. The sensory overload is just one of the things they have to deal with as well as the anxiety of knowing when they will access the ride, impulse control around other people, social interactions that are not easy, etc...and what about those other indivduals who have issues with the heat, physically unable to stand in some places, medication time frames that they have to deal with, and countless other issues that face special needs families that I can't even begin to detail because we are not all the same.

In an article by Autism Speaks responding to the plan, the organization states that they worked with Disney on this new system. They even went as far as to say "We do believe that the Disney Magic Plus plan that is currently being used at Disney World in Orlando is the best hope for the future. We hope Disney Land in California will soon start to use this plan as well" - yeah, there is ANOTHER plan that is currently in its "testing" phase. I have some friends that have used it and swear by it but they have TYPICAL children.

Also, it is based on a "Magic Band" with some sort of chip/gps/etc thingy - ummm, please raise your hands if your child with sensory issues will allow himself/herself to wear this - ALL DAY? 

Anybody? Anybody? Nobody? Beuhler?

Really Autism Speaks - you think this would work for our children and family members with autism?

According to Mouse Hints:

"Currently, the plan is to have participating guests wear a colorful band as seen in the picture...Resort guests that are used to just carrying around their Keys to the World, now will just need their bands.The wrist band will be fully customizable and will allow guests to purchase food, souvenirs, enter the park and use the Fastpass system.  Disney is also going to allow participating guests to have better views of parades, fireworks and other activities.  There is no question that this will have the potential ability to enhance the overall vacation for many people!" (source:

I see the benefits of the Magic Band for typical families but how about ours? What if you don't stay on property? If you stay off property and still have access to the Band - what would waiting in line be like then?

There are definitely kinks in the system and changes need to be made but it seems that the research on this was not done with the right market in mind.

The way I see it - there has to be a middle ground, a sense of balance that will work for all parties involved.

While the socialites screwed us they screwed Disney as well and therefore I understand the need to remedy this issue and develop a new method of providing access to their guests with special needs. But this - does not seem like the right fit.

How about a compromise of both ideas?
  • What about a GAC that has a photo identifying the guest with special needs as well as their name and the # of people in the guests party?
    • Keep the same restriction that guests must ride the attraction with the recipient of the GAC-Photo ID (with the initial GAC card you could ride the attraction without the guest with special needs)
My children love Disney and without the GAC, it would not be worth taking them. The prices are high enough as it is and it is supposed to be a treat to have them enjoy the Most Magical Place on Earth but with these new changes, well, Magical is looking like its going to have to find a new shape or form for family entertainment.

I guess we'll just have to see what the Magical future holds - hopefully its a good one.

Monkey  all tuckered out - this is in Sea World May 2009
but it was just too cute I had to share - hopefully Sea World's access
stays the same

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Upgrade Support Not Included

I was debating on writing this but I just have to because its bothering me.

Parenting is not easy - we all know that.

Children are not born with some sort of manual or CD-Rom that offers a "User's Guide" with troubleshooting ideas before the index.

Even more so when you have additions to the mix - no manuals for upgrades or service packs with the newest versions and formats.

Add in a bot or virus like special needs and then it is a whole other set of technical difficulties.

I say this because this weekend my mommaness was emotionally tested to its limits.

You see, we had just left the park and I was heading to drop the littles off with their dad when Monkey started crying.

And by crying I don't mean the I'm going to miss you mommy kind of soft cry, I mean the I am in excruciating pain, my body can't tolerate this and my brain can't process it type of cry.

There were tears and screams and body gyrations that I was not used to from this child - he is always the happy and carefree one.

They scared me so much that I moved his seat from the rear of the vehicle to right next to me because I was scared of what was going on. I put him in his booster and pushed the chair as back as far as it could go.

He was screaming "My ears are going to pop! It hurts!" all the while tears are rolling down his face as he attempts to soothe his ear by covering it.

Every noise, every bump in the road sent his voice into octaves that I have never heard from my child.

I was panicked and freaking out. I couldn't soothe him.

If a cop had stopped me at that moment I would have requested a police escort to the nearest fire station or something and would have gladly accepted the ticket I knew I was going to get.

There was no explanation as to his pain. He didn't fall down or get hurt. There was no fever. There was nothing. It was spontaneous. One moment he was running and playing at the park and the next his ear felt like it was going to explode.

He kept on looking at me for help and to make it all go away and the most I could do was rub his back and tell him that it was going to be okay. All the while I am crying along with him praying for a miracle to take his pain away.

I was frantically looking for a pharmacy and there was none in sight.

Most of you are accustomed to having a pharmacy on every corner - here, not so much. There are miles upon miles upon miles before hitting a pharmacy after leaving the "larger" islands.

Finally in a tucked in corner a good 45 minutes after his first tear fell I found one. CVS was my salvation. All I wanted to do was stop my baby from hurting and Children's Tylenol was going to be the answer to my prayers, hopefully.

We walked into the pharmacy and all I could focus on was the medication isle. I had blinders on - I had one goal in mind. The kids were going haywire. Between Monkey's crying and clinging to my body, and the others  "exploring" the store looking at the Halloween decorations not paying attention to my many attempts to "get back here!" I was totally losing my shit!

Oh momma you are not in your element today!! is what the fates were telling me at that moment.

I couldn't find the damned medicine anywhere! I was in the children's medication section but all I found was allergy and cold medicine. Where was the pain reliever?!? My poor child is begging for mercy and a miracle to take away his pain while the others are acting like chickens with their heads cut off since they were no longer cooped up in my car.

Did I mention I was losing my shit?

Then a light shone over my head and I had an idea - ASK SOMEONE!!

Novel thought huh?

So the all too adorable and petite pharmacist pointed me in the direction of the Children's Tylenol that was strategically camouflaged within the adult pain medication - perfect product placement CVS! Like paranoid and frantic parents of sick children would think to look for children's medication in the adult medication section!! Spot on!!

I debated with my son whether he wanted the "juice" medicine or the "candy" medicine (for the fast dissolve tabs that were also available - never tried them before)...between the tears and screams we had a discussion that he needed the medicine all the while I tried to convince Princess to corral her siblings next to me because I am sure they were driving the non-existant other customers crazy.

Monkey finally caved and told me he wanted the "juice" medicine and we walked to the check-out counter. Of course Baby Girl made sure to remind me that she wanted water because Mount Olympus gods forbid that she drink one of the MANY juice bags in the cooler in the car. If a $.99 bottle of water was going to shut her up - so be it.

I was desperate for some sense of normalcy for my son and to take away his pain and even transfer it to me if it was possible.

We got to the car which was an obstacle course in and of itself - if you have any understanding of my children by now and/or children with autism in general you know that a parking lot is not a parent's favorite place.

After yelling at two of my children at the top of my lungs - in public - TOTAL parenting FAIL - I managed to give Monkey his "juice" medicine and pray to every deity imaginable that my baby feel better

This was not my proudest moment - not my best mommy moment - I was in tears and unraveling at the seams.

You see, my baby was needing me and didn't want anyone but me. He was crying telling me that he didn't want to go with daddy, that he wanted to be with momma at momma's house. That he wanted momma to take care of him and sleep with him (we used to cuddle while he went to sleep sometimes). As he sat in the car next to me, he made sure to place my hand in his favorite spots for "tickles" so that I can rub my hand back and forth on his back and face and just make him feel all better.

After some time, the Tylenol kicked in and my baby was feeling better.

His body was tired and he was just exhausted - all he wanted to do was cover his head with the blanket that I brought in the car and play Slice-It on the phone.

As we approached the drop off place, I ushered all my littles out of the car and gave them their hugs and kisses then I went to unbuckle Monkey and he asked me to carry him to the car. He hugged me ever so tightly as I whispered I love you and he said I love you too momma, he entered his dad's car and into his seat like the big boy he was again.

As of today his dad says there have been no more issues with his ear which is a good thing.

But I still can't take the sounds of his cries out of my head and the repeating song of "I don't want to go with daddy, I want to go with you" from my heart.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

What's in a label?

Hello there my peoples!! How are you on this awesome Thursday morning?

Me, I'm glad to finally see some blue in the sky because the weather here has been beyond disgusting for the past few days. Yes, I know it is rainy season and it could be worse (we are actually the dryest county in the state according to Mr. Big who seems to know everything) so I'm counting my blessings but honestly - rain sucks!

Moving on because I know that you don't stop by here to know how the weather is here.

Yesterday I came across this article about why the word "boyfriend" is the worst word for divorcees.

Me, I'm a divorcee.

And I have a boyfriend - I know - you shuddered at the word!!

It's just what other word is there to use?

I mean seriously?!?

There is partner but that sounds more business than anything. I realized this when I actually called him my "partner" when giving my bio for Train 4 Autism because - well, I didn't want to use boyfriend because it just didn't seem right but there really was no other word that would fit. Once I read the caption to my photo I was like - blech!! I don't like "partner" not one bit!

But the fall back is boyfriend? That just seems so highschool.

We have been in a committed relationship for almost 3 years now so he's more like my husband than my boyfriend (we moved in together at about 2 weeks of meeting each other face to face - yeah, we met via on-line dating - it works people!!) but he's not because we don't have the "legal document"...and well, he does not believe in marriage (he has his reasons and I am respectful of that so I don't want to get into a debate about this - it is definitely not a commitment issue) so I can't call him my fiancé.

Well, okay, its not that he doesn't believe in marriage but he doesn't (makes a whole lotta sense right?)- we have discussed it before and we have left it at "thinking about it" and that is good enough for me.

I'm not going to lie though, there are times that I do call him my fiancé because, well, it just sounds better and he knows I do it and has no qualms with it either.

Do I wish I was Mrs. Mr. Big? yeah - of course I do but I'm happy not being her as well because he is in my life and things are working out amazing awesome wonderful and if its not broke why try to fix it right?

I love his family and friends, I can't wait to meet other members of his extended family. My family loves him as well - heck, my nephew already calls him Uncle Mr. Big. My kids ADORE him which is the even best part of it all - and he adores them right back.

He is accepting of me and all my faults and quirks and insanities (yes, I just made it a word - if twerk is a word, so is this) and still manages to come home to me every day, with a smile on his face and even during the hardest of my moments - still manages to keep me grounded. I say he's a good egg and one I want to keep around.

I'm not putting any expectations on him about his "label" - he is my love and I call him as such (I intertwine between babe and my love).

But I do agree, there needs to be something better than boyfriend for us adult mom divorcees - something better than manfriend that's for sure!

Yeah, he sometimes acts like a boy
 - but boyfriend just does not "fit"

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Curling Up

Life sucks sometimes you know?

But then there are those moments that are just beyond amazing that cause you to sit back and just breathe to take it all in.

That moment for me was this past Saturday.

I had just arrived at the drop off location where I meet the kiddos' dad to send them back home until the following weekend.

Baby Girl just woke up from her nap during the drive and wanted to sit with me.

So I unbuckled her and sat her in the front seat with me.

While the other kinds were entertained with iPhones and drawing and trains, my baby just wanted to sit in my lap.

Her teacher had told me a few days earlier that they were working on nursery rhymes at school so I asked her if she wanted to sing one for me.

She shook her head no. She was still sleepy.

I asked her if she wanted me to sing one to her.

She looked up at me and said "Yes" while shaking her head, her thumb still in her mouth, and twirling her hair on her finger.

I sat there and cradled her in my lap, like a baby even though she is almost 5.

I held her close and sang to her the way I did when she was born...

"Twinkle Twinkle Little Star..."

"The Eensy Weensy Spider Went Up the Water Spout..."

"Rock a bye Baby on the Tree Top..."

I breathed in her scent and just held her close, not wanting to let go.

I closed my eyes so that this moment could be burned in my memory and as tears filled my eyes at the perfection of it all I whispered to her "I love you"...

She whispered back "I love you too", looked up at me, thumb in her mouth and all and just curled back into my arms.


Yes, she's almost 5 and still sucks her thumb when she sleeps - I don't care - she's perfect!

Monday, September 16, 2013

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom

I have written, deleted, and re-written the first few lines of this post but I just can't write today...but I will share this with you because it is what I am repeating in my head right now...

Much love!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Trying to Get In

Okay, so many of you know that I finally received the word that I may be able to go back to school for what I wanted to do in the first place - the loose ends that I thought were never going to come together finally did and I'm thismuch closer.

So, for the application I had to write an entrance essay. I haven't written an essay like this in a long time. Most of my writings were research based or blogging so I hope I didn't screw it up.

Here is what I wrote...let me know what you think and be honest!


Imagine planning for a life, the future of your unborn child. Wondering whether he will be a fireman or an astronaut, maybe even President! You watch him grow and change and then questions enter your mind, your gut tells you something is wrong. The doctors run tests and evaluations come and go until you get an answer. You are in a fog when the diagnosis is said aloud, autism. Your world crumbles and you fall to your feet. As the dust settles, you gather yourself and make plans. This is not the end of the world, just a different one. Your main focus is on your child and making his life as wonderful as it can be. You want to give him every chance to thrive and succeed. You never give up.
I present this opening statement because this is who I am. I am a mother of six children, four of which have been diagnosed with autism. This statement is what circles in my mind every day and is pushing me to go back to school and achieve my Master’s Degree in Counseling with the concentration in Applied Behavioral Analysis. I want to provide that same change to countless families like mine.
I initially went to school for business as my Bachelor’s degree will confirm but then I realized that my life was not going to be the same and changed to psychology for my Master’s. The coursework was generic in content. It covered the various facets of human behavior but did not pull in one direction or the other. I truly felt like it was an advanced and extended version of the psychology classes I took in high school. Once I had the degree in hand there was not much that I thought I could do.
I would go home and watch the therapists work continuously and tirelessly with my children to help them reach their goals. From the basics of responding to their names when called out to being able to communicate their most basic wants and needs. What these therapists were doing was anything short of amazing. There was a reason in the structure and games and I wanted to know more about the process behind it. I participated and saw the changes for myself; my heart swelled with pride. This is what I wanted to do. I wanted to offer families the same hope and pride for their children that I feel with mine.
I currently live in an area where services for individuals with special needs is lacking. There is a demand but there are not enough qualified professionals to meet it. If given the opportunity to attend Nova Southeastern University and obtain my Master’s Degree in Counseling with the ABA concentration, I intend on sitting for the certification exam and become a BCBA to provide services to my community. I would like to establish working relationships with the local doctors and centers to raise awareness that the services are available and that the children and young adults in our area can get the help they deserve. I would even like to work closely with the school system that currently only has one BCBA for the entire county and find a way to help there.
I do admit that my writing is passionate, but to be in this field, passion is necessary. Every day BCBA’s are met with challenges and being passionate about making the difference their clients’ lives is essential. Without passion how could they make it through the hard days when a child does not want to work with them or a young adult has a set back? I have that passion, I have that drive, and I have that connection. I am a mother who has been through it and knows that it works. I want to be a Board Certified Behavioral Analyst and be a part of changing the lives of those who need it most.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

A Memory to Last a Lifetime and Beyond

I'm at work and Princess is kicking wildly in my belly.

I'm wondering if it is something I ate or she is just enjoying the music that my boss is playing in her office while I file.

I look out at the runway of Miami International Airport that sits behind my my office building and wonder how much longer until it was time to go home.

The office phone rang and I answered was my husband. He told me to turn on the TV.

I argued a bit telling him I was at work and couldn't turn it on.

He told me "turn it on! a plane just crashed in NYC"

I put him on hold and ran to the conference room and turned on the TV. My boss and her assistant followed behind me.

I picked up the phone again and put him on speaker phone as the image began to show on the TV - the second tower was hit.

There were no words.

Not from the 3 of us in the office. Not from my husband on the phone.

Tears filled our eyes. We couldn't turn away from the TV.

We did not stop watching the coverage for the rest of the day. We did not get any work done.

The news kept on - accident? no - terrorism.

The airport was closed down behind us - the hub of travel into Miami was frozen.

We were not allowed to leave the area due to our location.

The president of our company called to say that we could go home early. Nobody was working today.

We advised him that we could not leave.

The gravity of the situation hit him hard at that moment.

We couldn't tear ourselves away from the news, from the computers, from the radio - the world just stopped.

Its amazing how our memory is shaped at the moment of a tragedy. It replays in your mind as if it was yesterday.

The towers fell, the Pentagon was hit, a plane headed for the White House went down in a field.

Lives were lost. Families were shattered. War was waged.

But yet, the people of America came together. They found their spirit and sense of unity.

We are American and nobody is going to take that away from us.

We will never forget!

Where were you on this day 12 years ago?

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

We Need to Teach Our Children Better

Well, I was starting this post ranting and screaming and cursing all kinds of hell because of things that are pissing me off and then I was on FB and having a "conversation" with another autism mommy and I realized, sometimes others have it worse than I do.

This other mommy has an awesome son who is just amazing! And he told her that he hated school and that he "doesn't fit in" - this brought my friend to tears.

It broke my heart as well.

It broke my heart because I know this kid. He has a heart of gold and well, he doesn't deserve to feel like this.

No child should.

Yes, our children are different but all children are different to varying degrees.

It is these differences that make the world a better place because if everyone is the same then wouldn't the world be a boring place?

I hate the idea of conformity or the concept of "normal" - who is to judge why we should act a certain way? Who wrote those "rules"?

Today I emailed Buddy's teacher because he once again approached me with the "I'm bad at school" comment and the teacher told me this....

We had a group meeting with [Buddy] and his peers.  The discussion evolved around [Buddy] and issues that trigger his behavior.  Student learned strategies to try and help him when he gets upset.  Additionally, we talked about how loud noises affect him.

I love this!! Aside from the fact that the teacher emailed me within an hour of me emailing him - that is amazing in and of itself - the fact that they are working as a group with the class together is what I love.

That way the other students (also with autism and adhd) can work together to help eachother and learn from eachother.

If only this stemmed into the mainstream classes and schools.

The more we learn from our children and teach them to work together and be accepting of one another then the better a society we will leave behind.

I hope that my friend is able to work through things with her son - she knows she has my support and the love of so many others that will do our best to make sure things get better.

It should always be like that. - If we teach our children to be true friends instead of teaching them judgement we will be creating a world of acceptance & that is a good thing.


Friday, September 6, 2013

Clearing the air

I'm writing this to make sure that everyone is aware...


What I am saying is that I can understand how sometimes things can get so hard that we cannot see a way out. 

I am once again going to be clear and transparent with all of you. 

I have been the selfish one before. 

I have tried the coward's way out a long time ago before I ever became a mother. 

Never with my children. 

I was unsuccessful and so eternally grateful for that now. I'm here to tell you that it is not as black and white as people make it out to be. 

When depression grabs hold of your mind and heart, when it consumes you, your world just disappears from around you and you are lost. 

We do not know all of the circumstances that surrounded the tragedy with Issy. What her mother shared with the world may not have been everything. We do not know everything. We only saw what she let us see. 

My point in all this, if there is one, is that support systems need to be in place and the needs of the entire family have to be considered, as a whole. 

We cannot attack each other for where we stand because this is not one of those situations where things are black or white. They are not. 

Yes, I judged Alex's mom because I didn't condone her actions. But yet here I stand with no judgement on Issy's mom while I still do not condone her actions. Hypocritical right?


But the thing is that I have taken the time to step back and look at what my judgements got me. 

It got me anger, depression, fear, sadness, and anxiety. 

I'm done. 

I have been to the darkest parts of myself and know how hard it is to come out of it.

I repeat - I DON'T CONDONE THE ACT OF ATTEMPTING TO TAKE OR TAKING THE LIFE OF A CHILD - that is never nor should ever be the answer. 

But I am done judging. 

I just want our autism community to return to what it has always been - a support network of parents fighting a battle together. 

If anyone ever needs support or someone to talk to you can email me at or 

I will even share my phone number with you....but please find help, please reach out, you are not alone. I had someone pull me out of the dark, let someone be there for you. 

Let us stop going against each other and band together in love and support for Issy and for one another. 

Much love. 

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Not Anymore...

Well, that didn't take long did it?

I just wrote yesterday that I was taking a break but today, today I have to speak...I have to say something.

I woke up as I usually do - instead of looking up the news, I opened up Facebook - even before I got out of bed to go pee...yeah, that bad...

And I was presented with this...

click on the image to enlarge

Which had my heart racing because I knew something was wrong - I knew something happened...something no parent should ever have to read....

I started looking and came across Lexi's blog post and then the racing heart stopped.

It happened again... (the story is in the link)

This time with someone who's words I read a few times before.

A mom with who I connected on many levels.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't catch my breath, I was stuck.

Tears began to fall down my face because I was hurting for the family, for Issy, for Kelli, for the whole autism community.

One of our own - one we all found some connection with - one that many have considered to be one of the strongest voices and advocates for her child was brought to this point....

The point where the lines between the flawed system that is supposed to be there for us but isn't; the love and support that we receive from our family, friends, and communities; the hard times and difficult days that we face with our children that no matter how we try and explain nobody understands but us; the love we have for our children - that undying unwavering love - that point where these lines become blurred and are no longer visible. Where the anxiety, anger, love, fear, and depression takes hold and we can't find a way out...

This is what Kelli experienced - the only way out she saw after so much fighting was to end it all with her daughter who she fought so hard for by her side...

Like Lexi said, they are going to condemn this mother before anything else is said and done.

It wasn't too long ago when we attacked the mother of Alex Spourdalakis for her role in the death of her autistic son...

But for some reason, I just cannot be angry at Kelli - I cannot judge this time - I don't think I can judge from this point further...

I say this because I too have children with aggression issues - mine are boys - strong boys. One who bit me so hard he tore skin...I know the fears of what the future may hold....but I also know the love and passion that will never let me stop fighting for them, for their futures, for what they need to live in this world...

But we are human, we all have a breaking is what we choose to do at that breaking point that makes the difference....but we can't judge - not anymore.

She was one of us; a blogger, an advocate, a shoulder to cry on, someone we said "I can relate to that" when we read her stories, she was a mother....

I may be talking in circles right now but I have to say this....

My heart is numb, my emotions frazzled, and I am scared...

Scared for the futures of our children, scared for the futures of our families, scared for a world that no matter how loud we shout and scream and sing for change - turns our volume down and ignores the plight of so many families out there.

We rush to help others in countries across the world but we are forgetting our own people - the ones who need it the most....

The only positive to this is - if there can even be one - is that Issy is still alive...

I send prayers and love to her family to heal during this time and that the damages she has suffered because of this are not as drastic as they can be - that she is able to recover, that her family is finally able to get the help that they need.

Moms - autism, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, epilepsy - ANYTHING!!! Just moms - all of us....If you find yourself at the breaking point, please I beg you PLEASE seek out help - find a friend, find a counselor, find a stranger - anybody - you can find me...I'm here...just please find help - there is no shame in this at all.

I love you all and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I love you.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Cutting Back

Hey wonderful people!

I just wanted to start off by telling how much I love you all!

You are all amazing and wonderful and everything great with this world.

That is why I have to tell you this....

I'm cutting back on my blogging.

I will still stop by and visit you guys but as for me writing - it won't be as frequent as is evidenced by my postings lately.

There are a lot of things going on in my life that I need to take a few steps back and think straight and make decisions and just take some time.

There is good, there is not so good, there is awesome, and there is just "sucks!" but I will be around - just not as often as I used to be.

Please bear with me if you can.

As we all know - sometimes, we just need a break.

This is mine...

((HUGS)) to you all!!

Sunday, September 1, 2013

What I Should Have Said

It seems like lately I have been writing from my phone and of course tonight is no different. 

It is currently 1:06am and well, my mind is racing. 

It's the weekend and I never write on the weekends but I just had to write. 

You see, today (technically yesterday) was my day with my kids. As you all know, my kids live with their father so I have limited time with them. So I try to fill in as much of a weeks activity into one day. That includes time at the play place at BK after breakfast. 

As usual I get the "are they all yours?" And I of course answer the common "yes" and then the conversation moves further and then I'm asked this question...

"Don't you miss them?"

And I didn't have an answer aside from "of course" and proceeded to spend the rest of the morning with my children. 

I have never been asked this question before. Shocking, I know. 

I didn't know how to answer. I was stuck. Actually, I knew what I wanted to say, I just couldn't say it. Not at that moment, not in front of my kids.  

It bothered me all day. It is still bothering me to the point that I am still awake at 1:14am after a long drive home and the thoughts are pounding away in my head. 

I want to get this off my chest so I'm going to write a letter to this woman. She might not read it but this is to anyone who will ask me in the future and maybe, to myself...

Dear lady,

Do I miss my children? 

Really? Did you just ask me that?

Of course I miss them!! 

I miss them like I would miss the air to breathe or water to quench my thirst. 

I miss being able to wake them up in the mornings and argue with them about hurrying up for school because they are going to miss the bus. 

I miss the fact that my oldest daughter is growing up and instead of coming to me for advice she has to turn to someone else. I miss the fact that the same eldest daughter treats me like a baby sitter and not her mother and no matter what I do to get to through to her I just can't. 

Just getting her to look at me and smile and hear an audible "I love you" that was prompted not spontaneous breaks my heart into a million pieces. 

So yes, I miss them. 

I miss tucking them into bed and kissing them goodnight. 

I also miss the connection I had with my first son, the child everyone said was going to be a mama's boy. That connection is now replaced with the following statement when I tried to have a conversation with him "I don't feel comfortable being alone with you."

I miss checking their homework and making sure that they brushed their teeth before bed. 

I miss watching my second son meet his milestones even at the age of 9 or make connections with the world around him. I find myself watching him from afar and not knowing how to connect with him anymore. I just stand in awe of this amazing child that is so far out of my reach. 

I miss making them dinner and listening to them tell me how horrible it was and wondering if I could order pizza or buy Mc Donald's. 

I miss watching the light in my fourth child's eyes when he gets excited about a logo drawing he finished and wanted to share it with me. I miss holding him tight when the world he tries so hard to live in becomes so much that it sends him off the edge. 

I miss arguing about what clothes they need to wear to school or finding lost shoes. 

I miss the tight hugs and amazing laughter my youngest son gives me when he comes up to smile in my face and I grab him for a hug. And holding him in my arms and tickling his back until he falls asleep like the baby he is and always will be in my heart. 

I miss getting frustrated about the mess on the bedroom floors or the water all over the bathroom rug. 

I miss the good morning smiles and bed head that my baby girl gets in her curls. I miss being there to tickle her into her pretty pink clothes and just hearing her sing and dance like the center of attention that she is. 

I miss it all. 

A mom who misses being a mom