Monday, December 31, 2012

Time and family...

2011 was the biggest change of my life.

I got divorced.

I made the choice for the betterment of my children to leave them with their father and I move away. This was the hardest decision I ever had to make but it was right for them. They needed their stability and their routines to stay the same. I am still a part of their lives, I wish it was more but at least I have them and they have me.

I also met Paul, the most incredible man in the world. He has accepted me for who I am and has accepted my children as well. This is no easy feat as I am not the easiest person to get along with and my children are not the easiest to deal with.

2012 was calming in a sense.

Things settled down. I finished school finally and I started a job that I thoroughly enjoy and have met the most amazing people.

This year also gave me a new definition of family. The family that I always imagined is no longer the family that I want. The family that I have now is the true perfect assembly that I never knew I wanted.

My children are growing and smiling; I am learning from them every day on how to be a better mom and a better person. I am blessed to have such wonderful children who are so unique and have given me a different outlook on life that I never thought was possible.

Paul is my rock. He keeps me grounded and makes me feel deserving of the good things in my life. I could never have imagined a more perfect partner to share my life with.

I have cousins who are closer to me than cousins, they are like true sisters. I have friends who have also taken the role of siblings as well. I have more parents aside from the two I was born with and who have shown me what it feels like to belong.

This isn’t to say that things have been perfect. Far from it.

I have doubted myself. I have questioned my choices. I have sat up at night worrying and fearing the worst. I have cried myself to sleep. I have been angry at the people closest to me for no reason at all. I have belittled myself and thought I didn’t deserve even a smile on the face of my children.

There are so many things that I need to work on. There are things that I need to change. There are things that I need to fix.

I don't know what 2013 has in store for me but I do know one thing...its going to bring more change and better things. It will bring with it challenges and obstacles but with my new family by my side, I can make it.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Starting to look up instead of down

Many of you know that things have been less than hunkey-dorey for me the past year. You have stuck by me and made me laugh when I want to scream and cry as well as told me things will work out...well, you know what? You were right!!

I've started to realize that only time can tell what will happen and we need to let time pass in order to heal andmake it through.

I honestly did not think I would come to the point in my life where I would be satisfied, no, more than satisfied with how things are turning out. I am finally at a point where I can say, things are starting to look up.

My children are healthy, happy, and thiriving. I couldn't ask for more! As a mother, the only thing I have ever wanted is for them to feel as if they are loved and the most important thing in the world, and you know what? They do and they are!!  I can hear it in their voices how good things are for them and that they are surviving through the divorce and change in their lives. It's not an easy transition but they are making it through, and I am so proud of them. Once again, only time will tell but so far they are smiling and doing good. They are communicating better and more often and honestly, they are just the best kids - their smiles are endless and their laugh addictive. I crave the times to see them again and enjoy the time I do get to hear their voice. Keeping my fingers crossed that we can get Skype up and running soon!!

As for school - in two weeks I'll be done!! I will be holding my degree in my hand and patting myself on the back for all the hard work. I never would have thought that through all of the hard times that I would have finished. The many times I thought of giving up and walking away, but I didn't and now, it's almost over. I will have my degree in Psychology and the world at my feet.

Friends and fmaily - they are growing in numbers and affection. I have my few close friends that as days pass we get closer and closer. I can't imagine not having them in my life. My family is growing as well with my cousins who are like my sisters getting married and connecting with other members of my family that I have distanced myself from over the years, I could not ask for more.

And love - well, that has hit me too. When I least expected it and didn't think I deserved it. I was brought face to face with this wonderful man who has stood by my many nights of crying and being desperately crazy beside myself with grief and worry. He has not said a word or done a thing except just be there to hold me tight and listen quietly. He has put a smile back on my face where it was lost and a warmth in my heart that I forgot was possible.

I made a point to myself that this year things were going to be different - that a positive attitude was going to pave my path in life and so far, I think I'm doing pretty good wouldn't you say?

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Well, it's 2012 - now what?

Wow! It's been a while since I have been on here...the dust has really settled - almost set off my asthma!! And the spider webs...oh they are so pretty but oh so scary looking at the same time. I gotta remind myself to get on a ladder and clean those up soon...that is if I plan on staying a while, with me, you never know...

So, what has "out with the old, in with the new" meant for me on this auspicious first day of the year?

Well, it means throwing out all the negative energy that I have had for quite some time and make space for the good things that are to come.

If there is one thing that I have learned from the last few days of the year is that I am in control of my life, nobody else.

Between relationships with family and friends that have not gone as planned or how I wished they would, to things with work and school that I have just had to put my arms up and let be, and battles that are not worth fighting because they do not mean that I have lost the war, 2011 was a year of many, many ups and downs as I am sure it was for many of you - in this, I know I am not alone.

I do have to admit though, that the ups of 2011 have been worth the downs...from the smiles of my children and their improvements with themselves while still excelling at school and  of course - getting bigger and smarter every day, to a new love that has opened my eyes and my heart to something I thought I would never get to experience or deserve to have, to new family and friends that have shown me that there are good people out there and I am lucky to have them in my life...nothing can take those positive feelings away...

So, 2012, now what?

Honestly, I don't know - all I know is that I will have a new perspective on life and those in it. I am getting rid of toxic relationships and those people that choose to take my kindness and affection for granted, I will no longer be their doormat.

Most importantly, I am going to work harder on those relationships that I do value and show the same value for children especially.

While it has been since December 22nd that I have seen them - not a day goes by that I do not think of them, miss them, cry for them, and need them. There is no way that their space in my heart or life can ever be filled unless its by their hugs, their kisses, their "mommy, I love you", and most importantly their happy smiles.

Every daily phone conversation with them (well, almost daily, my children have a more active social life than I do lately it seems! LOL But that is a good thing for them) tells me that they are okay, and that they know I am their mommy and that I love them. Nothing is going to change that, never will it - no matter what anybody says or does - I'm their mommy and always will be.

So, bring it on 2012 - I'm ready for you, the good with the bad because I'm ready to kick ass and take me what you got!