Friday, March 22, 2013

Walk a mile in my shoes

Just to gripe at first...I hate trying to figure out a title for a post, it sets the tone for everything and whether or not somebody wants to read the darn thing or not! It's like as if I will have to make my writing live up to the title or seek out a promotions department just to make it sound interesting or intriguing so that people will think "WOW! I just have to read that it sounds so riveting!"...ugh! the stresses of life!!

Now to get back on track....

Yes, I know I haven't written in a LONG time and I continue to promise that I will be back and that I will be more active but honestly, who has the time any more? Between family, work, life, etc. there is barely enough time to take a shower (I do that every day, I do not stink I SWEAR!!)

UPDATE: I am still with Mr. Big, Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Whatever you want to call him - I know what I want to call him, what you want to call him is entirely up to you ;-). I had a great job that I loved, working in the telecom construction industry. I had a great relationship with my children and visited with them often. Life was GREAT!!

If you noticed, I used the word "had" a lot. This is because that is no longer the case. Mr. Big is still in the picture but aside from that, everything else has changed. The biggest of which is that I moved to the FLORIDA KEYS!!! Yes!!! I'm living in an island paradise and I am still complaining. What the hell is wrong with this woman?!?! Is probably what you are thinking but here's why...

Mr. Big got offered an opportunity that he could not pass up and I told him to go for it. Apparently I am not the only person who thinks that he is all kinds of wonderful and perfect because he got the opportunity and it required us to relocate to paradise. This meant all kinds of changes.

My job: I LOVED my job. I am not going to deny that in the least. I was finally in a position where not only did I have direction and team work, I had the potential for significant growth and advancement. Unfortunately though a 4 hour commute was not in the cards for me and telecommuting was not being offered for my position no matter how great they thought I was or how badly they wanted to keep me. Needless to say I had to resign from my position and find a new one. The new one is great and all - I have all the room to make it my own and grow a business that needs help so I am all for that - its just different and I need time to let it grow on me.

My children: This is a sore subject. Due to my new location and the location of my children, seeing them weekly is no longer an option. I am trying to make visitation work out but right now there are obstacles in  my way that are preventing that. There are so many emotions and feelings going on right now on my side that I can only imagine what my children are facing. This is not an easy situation by any means. My children are my life and my world! Being a mom and being so far away from my children is killing me. I wrote them letters yesterday and I am hoping that they get them. I never want them to think that I abandoned or deserted them. That is not the case; never has been and never will be.

Without going into a lot of details about my personal life that I would rather remain that way - personal - I'm dying here. While I am surrounded by paradise and the man that I love, I am missing the most important people in my life, my six beautiful children.

You'd think that 2 years post divorce and having these arrangements I would be used to not having my children every day but that is not the case. In fact it gets harder and harder because I am missing so much of their lives and feel that they are slipping away from me.

But the thing is, I'm  not giving up. I'm not done fighting for them.

My children were not taken away from me at all! I want to set that straight.

I made the hardest choice a mother could ever make and left them with their father. Due to their disabilities - the divorce was going to be one change that was going to be hard enough, uprooting them from their home, schools, doctors, etc. at that time was not going to be a good thing for them. They were not ready for all that change. I am and always will be an active part of their lives regardless of what certain people may say or what they define as "active". I could have taken them with me but it meant a new home, new beds, new everything - their comfort zones would have been crushed. Then the fact of not living with their daddy who they love so much, that would just have sent all the progress they had made up until that time backwards. One big change was more than enough. I could not put them through any more than that. Change for them needs to be gradual and carefully organized - change is hard on children with autism.

I do have to admit that my support system is a great one. Mr. Big loves me unconditionally and my children as well. He knows what they mean to me and how much I need them in my life and he wants that more than anything. I could not go through all of this without him. My family is also great. They reassure me that I am doing what is right for my children and that only time will tell and that I need to focus on being there for them as much as I can and whenever possible. They too hold me up when I fall down and keep me focused. My friends keep me grounded by making me laugh, mostly at myself, and realizing that those are my children no matter what - nobody can take that away. Even still - I miss them terribly every day.

I was born to be a mother; born to be THEIR mother and I'll be damned if anyone tries to tell me otherwise.

Walk a mile in my shoes....then maybe you'll understand what it is like.

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