Reality hits

I have so many things to say but I have no idea how to put it all into words - you know all those random and crazy thoughts running in your head, positive and negative and all the like?! The closest thing I can equate it to is a 100 piece puzzle that you have just tossed onto the table and are like - What the fuck? There's just too much!

Ughgh! Don't you hate that? I know I do!!

Well I'm just gonna ramble and hopefully you can follow along with my madness and craziness - I bet you can because you've followed along this far and if you're new, welcome - I'm really not crazy (at least I haven't been diagnosed as of yet)

Life is full of stress isn't it? But its also full of great things too! If we are there to just pay attention. Sometimes I forget to pay attention because the wheels in my mind are spinning so fast that I just forget and by the time something good happens you're like oohh! Shiny object but wait! Yeah, kinda like that.

This weekend I have to admit was great. I picked up the kids on Saturday and took them to Bahia Honda state park with a friend and then to the park before they had to go back home. On Sunday Mr. Big and I spent the day out on the boat with a friend and ended it at the local spot. 

Needless to say I am burnt to a crisp from the sun but so definitely worth it.

The thing is coming back to reality is not easy, especially after so many good times.

But also the fact is reality never leaves you does it? Even when you are on a break or just trying to relax its all still going on.

Take this for instance - the drive down from the meeting point to pick up the kids is 2.5 hours long (this accounts for traffic and potty/food stops). Having 6 kids trapped sitting in an SUV with no air conditioning (yeah, my A/C is dead and well, right now not in the budget to be replaced - my windows work fine so atleast thats a plus) and driving in the summer, through a chain of islands is not necessarily my idea of a good time. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my children and I think everyone knows it but I can't stand the drive because its uncomfortable. I can't hear them talking over the wind due to the windows being down, they are fighting a lot because of the cramped space and its HOT! so we are all miserable - but we make the best of it as much as we can and I think we do pretty good. This is reality.

On the drive down on Saturday through the heat and the miserableness happiness, there was this little gem. Buddy was scripting. Not unusual as he does this when he is over-stimulated or under-stimulated (isn't that weird how that happens?). Well, he was scripting but then he was laughing at the same time. His scripting was funny so it made him laugh. It was the cutest and sweetest thing to see him like that. He was scripting from Max and Ruby. To be honest, I can't stand that show but to see how it lights up my 8 year old and makes him laugh, I don't care. It was just such a precious moment. I wish I could have caught it on video because it was just perfect. The smile on his face and the laughter was just so sweet.This is reality.

Also on the drive down on Saturday I noticed that Silly was being quiet. That is not like him. He's usually making some sort of shrieking noise or laughing. He was sad. I could see the sadness in his eyes and face. He wouldn't cry but he looked like he wanted to. I asked him what was wrong expecting an answer but I didn't get it. Truthfully, I don't know why I expected an answer, he doesn't speak - at least not like that. I offered him his notebook to see if he would write something, he didn't want it. Nothing. My baby was hurting and I didn't know why. I just wanted to stop the car, open his door and take him in my arms and tell him its okay. The closest thing I could do was tell him I loved him and extend my hand to him to see if he would hold it - he did. I hope it helped. I hate not being able to know what is going on and make it better. This is reality.

I have mentioned before that I don't have patience. Okay, I do have patience but not a lot of it. And with all the stressful things going on, it seems like I lose my cool a lot quicker. I can gain my composure faster too and realize that I need to stop, breathe, and then move forward but its not easy. I can't remember exactly what was going on (that's how trivial it is) but Princess did something and it just got to me and I snapped at her. I hate doing this. She was actually trying to help out but the way she was going about it was not the best way so instead of taking the moment to talk to her, I snapped. I quickly recovered and apologized for snapping but the damage was done. You see, Princess and I do not have the best of relationships. She's a daddy's girl and if given the option, she would rather stay with her dad than to go with me. I'm okay with that because I understand, I'm a daddy's girl too. But its not to say that it doesn't hurt at the same time. So in my recovery of my faux pas I told her I apologized and that I was just...oh wait! I remember why I snapped - I had been stung by a jelly fish earlier and my leg was bugging me still - okay, back to the story - I apologized because I snapped since I was uncomfortable about my leg and that I appreciated her help but that she could do it in another way so as to be more productive. I hugged her and told her I loved her and I thanked her for everything. This is reality.

I have to say that Princess is the glue that keeps the kids together. At only 11 years old she has taken on the role of mother hen to her siblings and I see it straining her at times. She's just a kid even though she is constantly telling me that she is not a kid any more, that she is growing up. Yeah, I know she is but she takes on more than she needs to. She is a big help - being the oldest sibling is not easy. But she does more than she needs to. And sometimes I know that I forget that and I hate that. I just want her to have fun. This Saturday she was smiling and enjoying herself. She was on a paddleboard with a lot of children and just laughing. She was just being a kid and enjoying herself. When we got to my place she was just sitting there, watching the simplest of children's movies, Hercules. She even got upset when her brother tried to switch it. This is being a child. This is what she needs to be doing more of. Instead of worrying about who ate what, who is doing what. But she does all that too - even though I am there. She feels the need to be responsible for her siblings and report back to her father what has gone on while they are with me. I try and remind her that I am the mom and that is my responsibility, that her responsibility is to be a big sister but at the same time have fun and just be a kid. I love this kid, big girl, tween, whatever you want to call her. She is my first baby and I just want her to be happy and enjoy her life - not grow up too fast. This is reality.

My kids have inside jokes. Its funny because they are not really inside jokes its just random things that they say that prompt some scripting between them based on either Spongebob, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Little Einsteins, etc...but they get them and it makes them laugh. The most recent one they say is from Spongebob but I'm not too sure about it - its EMILP - Emergency. Mother-In-Law.Protection....huh? They started saying "EMILP - Emergency.Mother-In-Law.Protection" and a series of lines from the show back and forth and then laughing hysterically. This was at the park. It was so funny and so cute at the time. To see them just going at it like that - together - all 6 of them. Even Silly was into it though his participation was limited to repeating EMILP over and over again but he was smiling. This is reality.

On the drive to take them home Monkey was constantly telling me "I'm not going in daddy's car. I'm staying in mommy's car and going back to Grandpa Pirate's house". He just kept repeating it over and over again. He did mix it up with a question every now and then "Momma, I'm not going in daddy's car right?" I wanted so much to tell him no, you're not going in daddy's car, you're comming home with Momma but I couldn't. He fell asleep for a while but quickly upon him waking up he resumed his line of statements and questioning. When we approached the meet up point he changed his tune "Okay Momma, I'm going in daddy's car, but you pick me up on Saturday oaky?" I said okay and he smiled his silly little smile and melted my heart. This is reality. 

Hugging my kids goodbye and watching them walk from my car to their father's car is not easy. It is heart wrenching every time. But atleast I am seeing them. I have seen them for two weekends straight and am going to see them again this weekend. I am so excited about it. I don't know what I am planning but I'm excited. I just love those little bundles of misfits, joy, laughter, crying, happiness, screams, and everything that they are. They are my babies and I'm glad to have them in my life as much as I can until I can have them more. This is reality.

(I have more reality to hit you with from Sunday but I will stop here because this is getting too long and I have to get back to work...so, to be continued)