Then I read over what I wrote so that I could publish it today and I thought to myself..."What the fuck?!"
This is what is bothering me?
This is what is plaguing my mind and causing me to act like an idiot around the people I love the most?
Yeah, I was not on my best behavior for part of the day yesterday.
I sheltered myself and kept quiet because I made a mountain out of a mole hill in my head.
I was angry at people that I did not need to be angry at.
I isolated myself and just withdrew and did not know what to say.
Then later in the night after we returned home from dinner I said something to Mr. Big about what was bothering me and after I said it, I laughed at myself at how stupid I sounded. Especially after his reply because it reminded me that what we were discussing was something that never bothered me before and that I let the insecurities in my head get to me.
Something trivial that doesn't even deserve to be mentioned amplified my craptastic feeling about myself that it made me miss out on spending the little bit of time that I have with Mr. Big and just feel like shit about myself.
I let my mind go to a cloudy place where emotion and reason and just plain stupidity came over me and fogged who I truly am.
Then this morning I read this post by one of my favorite bloggy friends Tamara of Tamara (like) Camera and I stopped at these words...
I'm aware of the darkness. I beware of darkness, however, I follow the light and I follow it well. I know how to see its bright glimmer and I know how to feel the warmth that radiates from it.
Wow! Just wow!! These words hit close to home and reminded me that when things get hard and dark for me, I need to remember the positives and focus on them to see me through and get out of the negative thinking going on in my mind.
Earlier I said "Something beyond my control was causing me to hate myself and the way that I look." - well, it is not beyond my control - I can control these thoughts - I will do it.
Beyond my insecurities about myself, beyond my feelings of doubt, beyond any negative thoughts and emotions that come into my head - is the brightness that will lead me out.
I'm going to focus on those very wise words of a very dear friend...
Thank you Tamara <3