One Second at a Time

Wow! Look at all the cobwebs building up and the dust! Yuck!!

I know, I know, I haven't written in a while...to be honest, I just haven't been in the mood.

Lately I have been going on a roller coaster of emotions that I just can't seem to get the snap down harness to "un-click" so that I can get off.

I know many of my posts lately have been happy and upbeat and all-inspirational-in-attempt but this one, I have to admit, is not.

The past few days while I have been trying to be all happy positive (if you're friends with me on FB you know this to be true LOL) I have been actually hiding myself.

The truth of the matter is, I'm having a really hard time with it, with life in general.

I go from moments of pure elation and "I can do anything!" attitude to just wanting to crawl into the nearest dark corner and rock and cry.

There are so many things out of my control right now and I am hating it!!

Between the whole looking for a new job so that I can be closer to my children, the stress of the current job I'm in, so many ups and downs with the kids (that's a whole other post in and of itself), and the fact that where I used to feel most at home is no longer my safe haven - my home is almost 200 miles away...my heart is so far away and at this point, I'm worried about when I will get back there to retrieve it.

Like right now I am holding back tears as I type this because well, I'm at work and I don't want my eyeliner to run.

I came home last night after an amazing few days with my children, family and friends and when I walked through the door - it felt strange. It felt like I didn't belong here anymore.

Sleeping in a bed alone is the hardest part of it I think.

I'm a person that needs to love, that needs to take care of someone, that's how I find fulfillment in myself. Weird huh?

Don't get me wrong, I am taking care of me too. I am doing things for myself and actually enjoying spending alone time a lot more than I used to. I'm okay with it.

But there is still something that is missing...there is that piece that just isn't filled.

I know I need to be patient and I know that there are so many people out there that love me unconditionally but to be honest its not the same.

I'm still hurt and angry at what happened in December. I keep asking the why's and even though I understand and I know it was actually for the best...my heart still hurts and is angry. Angry at him. Angry at me. Hurt at the fact that my life is in a downward spiral right now.

I know the control is actually in my hands and I make my life what I want of it but right now, what I want is so far out of reach and involves so many things that I'm losing the control. I'm losing the grip.

I actually just got off the phone with a friend who called me and I couldn't stop unloading on her.

The fears, the worry, the anxiety - its all just built up to this moment and I need to let it go.

For now, I write in hopes that it will just get it off my chest and help alleviate some of the weight.

And now, I just wait and breathe and take it one second at a time...because honestly, that's all I can handle right about now.

Much love.