Homesick

I'm writing this from my phone so if there are errors I'm sorry. I needed to write and its a pain in the ass to start up my lap top.

As you can see, the title of this post is Homesick.

I don't know if that is what I am but that's the word that comes closest to what I am feeling.

You see, I am home but I'm not.

They say home is where the heart is. Part of my heart is here and the other part is 3 hours away. The part that is far is laughing and playing. Smiling and singing. Being tucked into bed and kissed goodnight without me.

It has been this way for 3 years and it is still hard. It doesn't get easier.

Actually I think it gets harder.

While I build new relationships, I am missing out on the most important relationships of my life.

While I am falling in love, my heart aches for the first real loves of my life.

While I want to fight to make a change and a difference in my community, I am missing out on fighting for the betterment of their futures.

As I bet you know by now...the missing pieces of my life are my children.

They are the other half of my heart that I am longing for.

I miss wiping their noses and puke when they are sick. I miss washing their dirty dishes and dirty clothes. I miss dealing with sensory issues and emotional breakdowns. I miss fighting with doctors and therapists because I don't think the therapies are effective enough. I miss talking to others about autism and being part of that circle of common ground.

Who thought I would miss these things huh?

But you see, these are the things that are a part of motherhood, part of being THEIR mother.

I don't only miss the difficulties that challenged me every day, I also miss the simple things. Like the hugs in the morning and the kisses goodnight. The pictures on the refrigerator and the home notes from school. Their smiles and their laughter. Their jokes and their stories.

I miss it all.

I'm homesick.

I'm homesick for my children.