So Sometimes I Sugarcoat It

Hey everyone! We've made it through Monday - barely but we made it right?!

So, you see this happy face here?

My happy Bug

Yeah, this is one of my favorite expressions to see on Bug's face.

His laughter and his smile light up a room and is infectious.

He is the most loving of little boys and has more affection than anyone can imagine and he's willing to share it with anyone who wants it.

He smiles when you hug him and blushes when you give him a kiss.

He's my big boy and well, he's just the best!

But there is a downside to all his wonder and merriment.

He has a hard time with anger and aggression.

I don't talk about it much, actually I know I sugarcoat a lot of things that my kids do because I want to focus on the positives of what they do but there are downsides. This is one of them.

Bug has anger issues that are hard to manage.

What triggers them is sometimes hard to determine.

He can be the most loving of kids one minute and the next he is angry and punching his brothers or screaming at his baby sister.

He says he hates having brothers and sisters. He hates his life.

He's even told me he hates me.

He gets so angry when Silly is either having a meltdown or showing his excitement because those tend to be, well, loud. Silly screeches, hums, and more other loud sounds when he is happy or upset and that seems to upset Bug.

When Monkey gets silly and scripts that sets him off too.

When Baby Girl has her diva moments, he's off like a kettle.

When Princess is in one of her 'tween moods - he's erupting.

When Buddy is on sensory overload and flipping out, he is too.

And then we have the good moments where he is their best friend and wants to play with them all the time and protects them when other people are being rude.

Sometimes he tries to scold them as if he was the parent when he knows that they are doing something wrong.

Many times you can just find him wanting to be left alone to draw or play on the computer. That is his downtime - that is his release.

We have tried getting him to voice his problems before he explodes. He does it but then he forgets.

Stepmommy has even worked with him to let out his anger on a pillow or cushion instead of at his siblings. It worked for a while but has stopped.

Its as if at the moment that he's blowing up he doesn't know what he is doing. He just snaps.

Afterwards he hates himself for his behavior and in some cases shows remorse.

I don't know what this has to do with his Asperger's.

I don't know if other families with littles like him go through this.

He's such a good kid too. He just does not know how to handle his emotions and his sensory issues all at once.

I remember when he was smaller I could just hold him during these episodes and give him deep compressions and tight bear hugs and it would calm him down. How just holding him and whispering in his ear "It's okay. I love you. It's okay. Calm Down. I love you" would soothe him.

Now, he's so big and strong that my tight hugs are not tight enough as before.

But he cries. I cry with him.

He hurts. I hurt with him.

He tells me he knows its hard to be his mom; mom to his siblings.

I tell him I know its hard to be him sometimes.

My baby is hurting and feels lost sometimes and I'm his mommy and can't fix it.

So yes, I sugarcoat it sometimes because if I don't, I will always be crying like I am now.

I prefer my smiles and the good times. My baby deserves that more than my tears.

I love my Bug - more than the world and universe!

I write this in conjunction with Shell at Things I Can't Say and her Pour Your Heart Out Series. It's usually reserved for Wednesdays but I just had to write this today and get it off my chest.