I was debating on writing this but I just have to because its bothering me.
Parenting is not easy - we all know that.
Children are not born with some sort of manual or CD-Rom that offers a "User's Guide" with troubleshooting ideas before the index.
Even more so when you have additions to the mix - no manuals for upgrades or service packs with the newest versions and formats.
Add in a bot or virus like special needs and then it is a whole other set of technical difficulties.
I say this because this weekend my mommaness was emotionally tested to its limits.
You see, we had just left the park and I was heading to drop the littles off with their dad when Monkey started crying.
And by crying I don't mean the I'm going to miss you mommy kind of soft cry, I mean the I am in excruciating pain, my body can't tolerate this and my brain can't process it type of cry.
There were tears and screams and body gyrations that I was not used to from this child - he is always the happy and carefree one.
They scared me so much that I moved his seat from the rear of the vehicle to right next to me because I was scared of what was going on. I put him in his booster and pushed the chair as back as far as it could go.
He was screaming "My ears are going to pop! It hurts!" all the while tears are rolling down his face as he attempts to soothe his ear by covering it.
Every noise, every bump in the road sent his voice into octaves that I have never heard from my child.
I was panicked and freaking out. I couldn't soothe him.
If a cop had stopped me at that moment I would have requested a police escort to the nearest fire station or something and would have gladly accepted the ticket I knew I was going to get.
There was no explanation as to his pain. He didn't fall down or get hurt. There was no fever. There was nothing. It was spontaneous. One moment he was running and playing at the park and the next his ear felt like it was going to explode.
He kept on looking at me for help and to make it all go away and the most I could do was rub his back and tell him that it was going to be okay. All the while I am crying along with him praying for a miracle to take his pain away.
I was frantically looking for a pharmacy and there was none in sight.
Most of you are accustomed to having a pharmacy on every corner - here, not so much. There are miles upon miles upon miles before hitting a pharmacy after leaving the "larger" islands.
Finally in a tucked in corner a good 45 minutes after his first tear fell I found one. CVS was my salvation. All I wanted to do was stop my baby from hurting and Children's Tylenol was going to be the answer to my prayers, hopefully.
We walked into the pharmacy and all I could focus on was the medication isle. I had blinders on - I had one goal in mind. The kids were going haywire. Between Monkey's crying and clinging to my body, and the others "exploring" the store looking at the Halloween decorations not paying attention to my many attempts to "get back here!" I was totally losing my shit!
Oh momma you are not in your element today!! is what the fates were telling me at that moment.
I couldn't find the damned medicine anywhere! I was in the children's medication section but all I found was allergy and cold medicine. Where was the pain reliever?!? My poor child is begging for mercy and a miracle to take away his pain while the others are acting like chickens with their heads cut off since they were no longer cooped up in my car.
Did I mention I was losing my shit?
Then a light shone over my head and I had an idea - ASK SOMEONE!!
Novel thought huh?
So the all too adorable and petite pharmacist pointed me in the direction of the Children's Tylenol that was strategically camouflaged within the adult pain medication - perfect product placement CVS! Like paranoid and frantic parents of sick children would think to look for children's medication in the adult medication section!! Spot on!!
I debated with my son whether he wanted the "juice" medicine or the "candy" medicine (for the fast dissolve tabs that were also available - never tried them before)...between the tears and screams we had a discussion that he needed the medicine all the while I tried to convince Princess to corral her siblings next to me because I am sure they were driving the non-existant other customers crazy.
Monkey finally caved and told me he wanted the "juice" medicine and we walked to the check-out counter. Of course Baby Girl made sure to remind me that she wanted water because Mount Olympus gods forbid that she drink one of the MANY juice bags in the cooler in the car. If a $.99 bottle of water was going to shut her up - so be it.
I was desperate for some sense of normalcy for my son and to take away his pain and even transfer it to me if it was possible.
We got to the car which was an obstacle course in and of itself - if you have any understanding of my children by now and/or children with autism in general you know that a parking lot is not a parent's favorite place.
After yelling at two of my children at the top of my lungs - in public - TOTAL parenting FAIL - I managed to give Monkey his "juice" medicine and pray to every deity imaginable that my baby feel better like.right.now.
This was not my proudest moment - not my best mommy moment - I was in tears and unraveling at the seams.
You see, my baby was needing me and didn't want anyone but me. He was crying telling me that he didn't want to go with daddy, that he wanted to be with momma at momma's house. That he wanted momma to take care of him and sleep with him (we used to cuddle while he went to sleep sometimes). As he sat in the car next to me, he made sure to place my hand in his favorite spots for "tickles" so that I can rub my hand back and forth on his back and face and just make him feel all better.
After some time, the Tylenol kicked in and my baby was feeling better.
His body was tired and he was just exhausted - all he wanted to do was cover his head with the blanket that I brought in the car and play Slice-It on the phone.
As we approached the drop off place, I ushered all my littles out of the car and gave them their hugs and kisses then I went to unbuckle Monkey and he asked me to carry him to the car. He hugged me ever so tightly as I whispered I love you and he said I love you too momma, he entered his dad's car and into his seat like the big boy he was again.
As of today his dad says there have been no more issues with his ear which is a good thing.
But I still can't take the sounds of his cries out of my head and the repeating song of "I don't want to go with daddy, I want to go with you" from my heart.