Wow, I haven't been here for a while!!
But look! I don't have to decorate for Halloween because the spiders have taken care of that ;-)
Oh and I know the saying is "By George..." but I'm of Cuban heritage so for me its "By Jorge..." so deal with it.
I haven't written because there has been way too much shit going on for me to concentrate on anything else. Its a miracle that I have made it through the days at work and managed to take a shower at the end of the day.
I was having a pity party of 1. Yeah, I was angry and depressed and all kinds of yucky gray things rolled into one because things weren't going my way.
Then yesterday something clicked in my head or the light bulb was jiggled around enough to turn on and I had a moment of clarity...
I can't control EVERYTHING and that I need to stop trying to or else it is going to make me feel like a shithead for the rest of my life!!
Yeah, I have said this many a times before and have had the same revelation (is it still a revelation if you've had it multiple times?) that I need to calm the fuck down and live my life.
This does not mean not to fight for what I want and need but to give things time to actually happen and not go crazy because it hasn't happened like right now!
I have had moments of insanity because once again the visitation arrangements with my kids have been screwed up and I need a better solution to it but until I find out I have a wealthy relative who has died and left me a fortune - affording an attorney is not going to happen. I need to work with what I have until I can afford said attorney or said unknown wealthy relative or anonymous donor comes forward. You all know how desperately I need my children and I haven't seen them in over a week and right now I don't know if I will be seeing them this weekend so you can imagine how this is making me feel. I'm a walking Hallmark card. But I'm being positive about it - I've thrown some things out into the air and I am hoping that they will catch and things will change. I miss my babies and I need them - but I'm no good to them if I'm a raging emotional basket-case now am I?
I have also had moments of insecurity about my relationship with Mr. Big. Even though I know all things are hunky dorey and I couldn't be happier - I'm still worried about me as a person in a relationship. Since my marriage didn't work - I wonder if I am trying too hard or not trying enough. We are nearing the 3 year mark together and I just need to stop and breathe and enjoy it. I am one of the few people out there who can actually say that has a healthy relationship built on trust, friendship, and love. I am a truly lucky person and I am thankful for him in my life every second of every day. Now, if only Nancy Nagger in my head would just decide to take a permanent vacation I'd be in Happy Heaven...I think I'm going to book her a flight - maybe to Brunei??
Then there is the issue of social interaction and feeling of isolation. I'm not saying that I am the most social of people - well, I am but I'm not. I'm restricted socially because of budget like many people. All the action is in Key West and costs $$ and you should really do it with someone. I don't have a someone. I really don't have friends here. The few people that I do know I have met through some volunteer efforts or my father. We interact on FB but a "hey! let's hang out" kind of thing - nope! I miss my friends and family on the mainland (yes, we say mainland here...funny thing I heard on the radio yesterday "If you live closer to Cuba than to Wal-Mart, you're in Conch country" - yeah, that's me!). Mr. Big works long hours and so a lot of times I am by myself and well, that sucks ass. But, this is all on me. I need to make more of an effort to get out there and meet people and just do my thing. I'm likeable, I'm personable, right?
There are other issues with work and home and family that if I write it all I would be here all day and the truth is - everyone has issues and problems. We all think ours are bigger than those of others and our worlds crumble for different reasons.
But the fact of the matter is that the way we live our lives starts within us - we have to be able to recognize that we can't do it all and we have to wait for things to fall in to place as they should..
We have to take the necessary steps to be happy and then let fate, God, space aliens...whatever you believe to be the guiding source of this world do its magic and see what unfolds before you.
I cannot control everything, no matter how hard I try. So for now, its time to start paving the path of where I want to go and how I want to live and let life lead me the rest of the way.
This should be easy right? Right?