Monday, June 20, 2011

Whoa! Where did that truck come from?

So I'm going to get serious on this post right now so I apologize for it ahead of time.

Why you may ask? Because - I was just hit by a truck unexpectedly....not a literal truck, but a figurative one and this one was covered in billboard sized photos of babies....yeah, babies...

You see, today my dearest friends, Cherie and Tony, they are my family regardless of blood connections, had their first child - Baby boy Angelo was born today, 7lbs, 11oz... HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGELO!!!

But that is not the reason why I am being serious...who could be when it is the birth of a new life and a new beginning for a family? I am excited for them because they are going to be great parents!!

The seriousness is because the truck hit me when I realized that I will no longer be able to have children. I know most of you are asking why I would want more because I already have six and yes, I know I already have six gorgeous, wonderful, loving, and amazing children - I could not ask for anything greater than them.

But it is not so much the wanting more children, it is the fact of knowing that I can't anymore that just hit me. I know that I am blessed beyond my means and I am grateful for every gift and joy that my children give me every time I see them but it's just that loss of ability to have them that is hitting me now. I know there are women out there who have not been able to feel the joy that I have or have had one child and want more but for some unknown reason cannot. It's just that strong feeling that well....

It's the fact that knowing I will not feel hiccups in my belly or see little elbows and feet stretching inside of me...I will not have that fresh baby smell to breathe in so deeply and fall asleep to the breathing and heartbeat of a newborn child....or have a tiny hand hold on tightly to my finger as instinctual it is for them to do.

I do regret the choice I made, I can honestly say that now. I feel like a part of me is lost and it is that part that identifies me as more than just a woman.

I know that there will be people that will say that I am a woman regardless, I am a mom regardless but then I beg the question - if it were so easy to take such a step and not identify oneself with the change then why is it that men will not get vasectomies because they feel their manhood would be taken away? It's the same thing....

I don't know - I know there are options available if I really did want to have another child and that there really is no forever in anything anymore but the fact that now, right at this moment, knowing that I cannot is what I did not think I would feel - scary huh? How some choices you make in your life and you are certain that it is what you want but then your life takes a turn and you wonder if those were the right choices?

I know this will pass because like I said, I am blessed beyond imagination or thought....and truly, I am happy for your Cherie and Tony - you deserve this blessing and so many more!!!

Tia Krystal can't wait to see you baby Angelo!!! XOXO

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