Resources Put To No Use

I know not everyone who reads this will understand but I'm putting it out there in case you do.

There is a wealth of resources out there! Its amazing how much information one can learn about autism and how our children think, see the world. It's just overwhelming sometimes.

I continuously read and research and find new ways that turn on the light-bulb in my head and go "That sounds like him!" or "That is so her!" or the most common "Wow! I never thought of it that way."

I wish I could take all this information that I find and use it.

The problem is that I can't.

I see my children for such small amounts of time that I am rushing around just trying to feed them, spend enough time with each of them, cleaning up after them, cleaning them, changing their clothes that by the time I look at the clock, its time to take them back to their dad and its a struggle to get them in to the car because the little ones don't want to go and the older ones are indifferent.

I hate this feeling.

I am a mom.

Their mom.

I have so many ways to help them but I can't.

I am not let into their lives except to have visitation with them.

Every time I ask a question or state an opinion, it is not considered because that is not part of the plan.

I hate that plan.

I hate everything about it.

It makes me feel like an outsider.

I feel like there is so much that my children are capable of and they have the world at their finger tips but I can't give them the access to it.

I'm a fighter. An advocate for their futures.

But I feel like a failure.

I can't make the changes that I need to because it will cost me about the same as a divorce.

I don't have that kind of money. I didn't even have it during the divorce.

That has been taken advantage of.

I'm kept in the dark.

My children are kept in the dark.

There is so much that they need and I know it but my hands are tied.

I can help them. I know I can. But I just can't.

Until the time comes, I will continue to research. Continue to learn.

Continue to fight.

Hopefully it won't be too late.