Still numb

Yesterday's post was hard to write.

Then reading all of the other posts by other autism bloggers and families was even harder. But I had to do it.

I had to because it was my life. It is my life.

While my children do not live with me. I still live it every day.

When they are away from me my heart aches for them and panics in fear for that which I cannot control.

Wandering from school.

Bullies.

Walking away from an aide that just stepped down to tie her shoes.

Anything. Everything.

I fear getting a call from their father or step-mommy that they did not get off the bus.

I still remember one call when their daddy was waiting for our Buddy & Baby Girl to get home off the bus and they did not show up.

They were kept at school because Baby Girl had an accident and they had to return her to clean her up.

There was no phone call to tell anyone what had happened.

They said that they called.

Nobody called.

It was determined after we called the school.

Needless to say I had it out with the school. Their daddy had it out with the school. Their step-mommy had it out with the school.

Luckily it was just the summer school.

Talk about panic.

I know that when they are with me and I am around friends and loved ones they laugh at me.

Laugh? you may ask

Yes. Laugh. But in a good way.

Because you always hear me "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...oh wait...6 - got 'em!"

I am always counting heads.

I am always on high alert and looking for them and making sure they are within my line of sight and earshot.

People tell me to stop and take a minute to eat. To sit. To breathe.

I just can't.

I'm on high alert.

I have 6 of them! I have to be ready to run at all times.

Being a parent does not stop when they go to sleep. It does not stop when they walk out of your door to their other parents home.

After reading the stories of Mikaela, Owen, Drew and now all the victims in Oklahoma it all hits close to home. Makes me just want to get in my car, drive 3 hours, and just hold my children and never let them go.

I want to just hold them tight. Tell them how much I love them. Tell them how much they mean to me.

I cannot fathom how these families are feeling. How they are grieving. Knowing that they will never be able to kiss their loved ones good morning and good night. Knowing that they will never feel the hugs so tight from the arms of their little ones.

I die inside every time that I drop the children off with their father.

I just can't imagine how I would be if I was never able to see them again.

To all the families who are suffering right now through the loss of a loved one and through tragedy....my heart aches and cries for you.

You are in my thoughts.

Love your family every day. Tell them you love them. Hold them tight. Always let them know how much they mean to you. You never know what tomorrow holds.