Sunday, September 1, 2013

What I Should Have Said

It seems like lately I have been writing from my phone and of course tonight is no different. 

It is currently 1:06am and well, my mind is racing. 

It's the weekend and I never write on the weekends but I just had to write. 

You see, today (technically yesterday) was my day with my kids. As you all know, my kids live with their father so I have limited time with them. So I try to fill in as much of a weeks activity into one day. That includes time at the play place at BK after breakfast. 

As usual I get the "are they all yours?" And I of course answer the common "yes" and then the conversation moves further and then I'm asked this question...

"Don't you miss them?"

And I didn't have an answer aside from "of course" and proceeded to spend the rest of the morning with my children. 

I have never been asked this question before. Shocking, I know. 

I didn't know how to answer. I was stuck. Actually, I knew what I wanted to say, I just couldn't say it. Not at that moment, not in front of my kids.  

It bothered me all day. It is still bothering me to the point that I am still awake at 1:14am after a long drive home and the thoughts are pounding away in my head. 

I want to get this off my chest so I'm going to write a letter to this woman. She might not read it but this is to anyone who will ask me in the future and maybe, to myself...

Dear lady,

Do I miss my children? 

Really? Did you just ask me that?

Of course I miss them!! 

I miss them like I would miss the air to breathe or water to quench my thirst. 

I miss being able to wake them up in the mornings and argue with them about hurrying up for school because they are going to miss the bus. 

I miss the fact that my oldest daughter is growing up and instead of coming to me for advice she has to turn to someone else. I miss the fact that the same eldest daughter treats me like a baby sitter and not her mother and no matter what I do to get to through to her I just can't. 

Just getting her to look at me and smile and hear an audible "I love you" that was prompted not spontaneous breaks my heart into a million pieces. 

So yes, I miss them. 

I miss tucking them into bed and kissing them goodnight. 

I also miss the connection I had with my first son, the child everyone said was going to be a mama's boy. That connection is now replaced with the following statement when I tried to have a conversation with him "I don't feel comfortable being alone with you."

I miss checking their homework and making sure that they brushed their teeth before bed. 

I miss watching my second son meet his milestones even at the age of 9 or make connections with the world around him. I find myself watching him from afar and not knowing how to connect with him anymore. I just stand in awe of this amazing child that is so far out of my reach. 

I miss making them dinner and listening to them tell me how horrible it was and wondering if I could order pizza or buy Mc Donald's. 

I miss watching the light in my fourth child's eyes when he gets excited about a logo drawing he finished and wanted to share it with me. I miss holding him tight when the world he tries so hard to live in becomes so much that it sends him off the edge. 

I miss arguing about what clothes they need to wear to school or finding lost shoes. 

I miss the tight hugs and amazing laughter my youngest son gives me when he comes up to smile in my face and I grab him for a hug. And holding him in my arms and tickling his back until he falls asleep like the baby he is and always will be in my heart. 

I miss getting frustrated about the mess on the bedroom floors or the water all over the bathroom rug. 

I miss the good morning smiles and bed head that my baby girl gets in her curls. I miss being there to tickle her into her pretty pink clothes and just hearing her sing and dance like the center of attention that she is. 

I miss it all. 

A mom who misses being a mom


  1. Of course you miss them. What a ridiculous question. I love your letter.

  2. Ridiculous question. Beautiful answer. I like how I get to know more about you more and more. The sad stuff, the happy stuff - it paints a more complete picture.

  3. Tamara's right, you handled an awkward question with a beautiful answer. And I wish she could read it, to understand you first, but also to keep her from asking this same dumb question another time.

    "I can't imagine how much you must miss them ... " that's what should have been said.

  4. People can be so ridiculous and careless with their comments. I'm glad you have the outlet of writing to get this off your chest. This is a great reminder to me to stop whining about all the things I *have* to do with my kids and be happy that I *get* to do them.

  5. I almost cried. You don't have to answer ppl that ask silly questions.

  6. Ooh wow, reading this made me want to cry. Hopefully the person who asked you this did not realize what an emotionally-charged question that was, and was asking more out of naiveté. Thank you for sharing a moment that sounds like was incredibly difficult for you.

  7. What a beautiful post ... my heart aches for you and I can not even start to imagine how much I would have missed my kids, were I in your shoes. {I can be a spiteful person if needs be, and I think my answer would have been to shock this person into silence ~ something like "No, I don't miss them and can't wait to drop them off again.." } but, you are a much better person - hope you felt better after writing the post.

  8. I'm sorry someone was so callous with their words--it shows you where you are sensitive--and who wouldn't be? Coach Daddy had a great way of rephrasing it to sound more empathic to your situation. I don't know the reasons why you don't have custody, but I do believe both parents have a right to share 50/50 custody. Otherwise, you end up with children who have a harder time relating to the parent who has less parenting time. And, they miss out on having a loving parent more in their lives--a parent who wants to be there. I've done a lot of work with PA (Parental Alienation) and this kind of situation is ripe for the possibilities of your children turning against you (with the support of your ex). I know some people are against divorce exactly for this reason--it affects the kids, no doubt about it. But sometimes I think it's better if the parents split--the tension in the home is worse for the kids than if the parents just go their separate ways. Is there some way you can move closer to your kids? Is there a way you could Skype them a couple nights a week? I know the pain you feel of the loss may get in the way of connecting with them, but I think your kids, underneath it all, want you to be in their lives any way you can.

  9. Beautiful letter. My heart goes out for you. Just keep being the mother you are when you are with them. They will eventually realize what you mean to them.

  10. I cannot even imagine not waking up with my children everyday! It must feel so empty. I'm new here so not sure why you don't live with them- but I hope one day you will be able to. You have so much love in your heart for your children...hopefully love will prevail all.

  11. People can be so thoughtless. That kind of curiosity is normal in a two year old but not an adult. Well written. I miss my girls and I see them often. I miss that they grew up and so much of the child in them is gone. They are starting to take the protect mama cause she is older job and I'm definitely not ready for that, yet. Enjoy the time you have with them.

  12. Sometimes I wonder about the things people say. What a thoughtless question. It would have bothered me all day too, and well beyond. Wonderful letter...maybe it will stop someone else from asking a question like that!

  13. People are just plain ignorant at times... disregard her, as you should.

    My heart breaks in a million tiny pieces at how much you must miss them. And a million more thinking how much your heart breaks in those million tiny pieces when your day is over with them. I don't remember reading your story- perhaps it is somewhere on your blog. Would absolutely love to read it. SO glad SITS directed me to you. I know I have read/seen you around... SO glad I am back!!

  14. I can't imagine the pain you must experience every day as you long to be with your children. It must be a gaping whole at every moment. Thanks for sharing.

  15. I'm always amazed at how people inject themselves into situations that are none of their damn business. I'm sorry that you were subjected to this thoughtlessness. Your letter is beautiful.

  16. This is so touching and eye-opening. It's not often you hear from the side of a mother who doesn't have custody...Thank you so much for sharing and giving me a bit of insight.

  17. Sometimes I wish people would take a minute and stop and think before they ask questions like that!!! I think your letter sums it up beautifully!!!

  18. I hope writing this out gave you some peace about the situation. You can only know that woman cannot fathom to understand what your life is like. The sacrifice you've made to provide the best situation for your kids is the true sign of how much you love your kids.

  19. Sounds like you are a great mom. Beautiful letter. I know a woman who let her daughter be raised by the child's father because she just didn't want to be bothered. I have never understood that. You obviously want to be with yours full-time. Kudos to you for trying to pack all the love and time you can into a day. Visiting from SITS!

  20. I have "Dad's Weekends" myself. I cried reading this. It is so hard to not be there. Even if they are where they need to be.

  21. What a ridiculous question to ask. Your love for your kids is so evident in your writing, Krystal. Your answer is beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. Hugs to you!

  22. Very touching post. Folks can be really clueless. When you encounter such folks say a silent prayer and keep moving. Smh. Happy SITS Day!

  23. Some people just say what they're wondering, without thinking or filtering. Happy SITS Day :)

  24. People can ask the most insensitive questions. Not her business of course. But what a great response! Keep writing. You do it so well.

  25. PS: I stopped by from SITS. Hope you enjoyed your day!

  26. I love when people give unsolicited parental advice or say some weird things they think is ok. It is what it is and you handled it pretty well. Stopping by from SITS

  27. I love when people give unsolicited parental advice or say some weird things they think is ok. It is what it is and you handled it pretty well. Stopping by from SITS

  28. I have to say that you answered her question very eloquently in your letter...not sure that I would have been able to maintain the composure you did at the time. I hope that some day you will have more time with them and miss them less. Happy SITS Day!

  29. I promise, tomorrow morning when I am fighting with my kids to get them out of bed and off to school, I will be so grateful for those struggles. Thank you for helping me see all that I have. My heart aches for what you're missing.

  30. Gosh that sounds terrible and beautiful all at the same time. It must be so very hard not to have your kids with you! People can be endlessly stupid sometimes, well done for not poking that woman's eye out!
    Visiting from SITS today


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