Wow!

I'm shocked my little blog has not shut down yet from the amount of activity that it received this week from being my SITS day on Monday.

I wanted to start off by saying thank you to everyone that stopped by.

I'm trying to get to everyone's comments and blogs to show some love as I do sincerely appreciate it all!!

It was amazing to see such great comments and thoughtful responses to the posts that I chose as my top 3 favorite posts.

I felt that those best described me, who I am, and what my life is about.

I try to be as open and candid as I possibly can because I spent so much time of my life holding it all in that it made me a not so nice person...letting it out and just being me is giving me the outlet to get through the good, the bad, the hard, and the silly.

I have made great friends through blogging - some that still blog, some that don't, and some new ones that have made it all interesting.

So again, thank you to everyone that has stopped by, is still stopping by and to my friends who I love for just being there even when I'm not around!!

I will be by to visit you all soon!!

((HUGS)) and have a great day!!

Where did it go?!

Do you know how quickly time flies?

Very!

If you're a parent you know this all too well. 

On Saturday it was Baby Girl's birthday. She turned 5. Yeah, 5!!

That's my last baby. 

As we were spending time at the beach I watched her and her siblings playing and I noticed one thing - time has passed so quickly and I was wondering where it went. 

My kids are no longer tiny little creatures with indecipherable language (well they are to those who don't know them but I understand them) - they are individuals with thriving personalities all their own. 

From the quiet child who likes to listen to the wind blow, to the child who can discuss the origins of the dinosaurs and their corresponding historical periods. 

They are all so different and grown that I wonder how I have missed it. They are in front of me but yet it happened as if it were a flash of light. 

And before I know it they will be older, taller (even though 3 of them are getting awfully close to my own height), smarter, funnier, and just plain awesome. 

I can't wait! But then again, I can. 

I think there is a country song that says "Let them be little" Yeah, I agree with that!

Oh and if I read my email right, tomorrow the 28th is my SITS day!! To my new and not so new readers...welcome!! I'm glad you stopped by. Here, have a cookie! 

Saying it again...

Okay, I have to clear the air on this because I am tired of assumptions and accusations and just straight shit talking by some people out there that do not understand and are judging me.

When it comes to my children and why they don't live with me, here is the truth....

At the time of our separation, my ex and I agreed that it was in the best interest of the children to stay in their home with their father because of the stability that he was able to offer them.

Moving out with me would have required a change in their schools, therapy schedules, routines, living arrangements, etc. All things associated with a move would have made an impact. Add on to that the divorce alone - the chances of disrupting their progress was a HUGE one. Children with autism like mine thrive on structure and routine.

The lesser of two evils was them staying with their dad because the home we shared did not have my name on it. It was his mothers and I had no claim on it to stay there with the children.

I DID NOT abandon my children. If I could have it my way, my children would live with me. There is nothing more that I want in this world than to be able to tuck my children in bed at night. The sleepless nights and the mess in the house that most parents complain about - I want that - I crave that.

People may judge and criticize me for the choice that I made and they do so without the full details and information. They judge based on what is told to them by others and make their own assumptions.

I am painted as the mother who gave up and walked away from her children.

I did no such thing. I did what was best for them at the time and it kills me every day and tears my heart apart to hear that I am being thought of as the mother who just did not want anything to do with her children.

Do I regret that decision? EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE since then because no mother should be without her children.

There is so much more to what has happened during the past 3 years and I could go on and on and on but I just want to be clear about it....

I DID NOT ABANDON MY CHILDREN. MY CHILDREN ARE MY WORLD. IF I HAD THE MEANS TO HAVE THEM LIVING WITH ME RIGHT NOW, I WOULD DO EVERYTHING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

If you want to judge me - then judge me based on conversations with me. Ask me all the questions you want. I have nothing to hide. But please, don't go around thinking something until you have the full story.

"Blanket Please" Breaks My Heart

You know that feeling that you get when your child is sick and all you can do is sit there, watch and wait for the medicine to take effect?

That was me this weekend with Silly.

(Yes, I got the kiddos this weekend but I will get back to that later)

When I picked him up he was quieter than usual. On the drive he didn't even play with the iPhone so I knew there was something up.

I took the kids to take a restroom stop and when I touched his skin, he was burning.

I rushed to Walgreens next door and got him some Motrin and gave it to him right there in the parking lot.

(Note to self: ALWAYS carry Motrin with me - this is the 2nd time I have had to get meds on the ride with the kids)

I gave him the Motrin and as we approached the house, Princess told me he was still hot. I called my father's girlfriend to see she could stop and get me a thermometer and drop it off at my house. I couldn't afford another stop and judging from the previous occasion - finding a shop that sells thermometers is not that easy. 

She agreed and we were on our way.  directed some of the AC vents to him and headed to the house.

When we got there, my dad was waiting. He had dropped off the thermometer - a cute little duck one I might add. He too saw the ickiness in Silly's eyes 

I immediately took his temperature - 99.1...it seemed to have been going down as his skin was a lot cooler. Thank you to all things holy and myths of Mount Olympus!! 

He just slept and watched videos on the computer.

He didn't want to drink much but did eat once the fever broke. SCORE!!

And then the fever came back.

He still didn't want to do anything, not even watch videos, all he wanted to do was crawl under the covers and sleep.

That was a battle seeing as he couldn't be covered up, but I just hated hearing him cry "blanket please" in a low tone of voice with tears in his eyes and a tremble in his lip. Heart wrenching does not even begin to cover it.My neighbor was with us making cupcakes as we carved our jack-o-lantern and she even had a broken heart. 

This child is sick and not even cranky or whining. All he wants to do is just lay there. He doesn't complain. He just wants to be comfortable and rest. 

I carried him to the living room and sat him next to Princess on the couch - he wanted the throw blanket on the couch - I told him he couldn't have it and little tears fell and he closed his eyes. 

I just sat there and rustled his hair and begged for him to feel better. 

After a few minutes, he fell asleep and the fever began to come down.

Being a mommy is never easy, especially when our babies are sick. We are helpless because we are at the mercy of medication and time.

We just want to make it all go away and take it upon ourselves so that they no longer feel so wretched. 

According to his dad and step-mommy, he is doing better today. I am so thankful for that. The less days they are sick the better.

Keep your medicines handy - flu season is quickly approaching!

By Jorge I've Got It!!

Wow, I haven't been here for a while!!

But look! I don't have to decorate for Halloween because the spiders have taken care of that ;-)

Oh and I know the saying is "By George..." but I'm of Cuban heritage so for me its "By Jorge..." so deal with it.

I haven't written because there has been way too much shit going on for me to concentrate on anything else. Its a miracle that I have made it through the days at work and managed to take a shower at the end of the day.

I was having a pity party of 1. Yeah, I was angry and depressed and all kinds of yucky gray things rolled into one because things weren't going my way.

Then yesterday something clicked in my head or the light bulb was jiggled around enough to turn on and I had a moment of clarity...

I can't control EVERYTHING and that I need to stop trying to or else it is going to make me feel like a shithead for the rest of my life!!

Yeah, I have said this many a times before and have had the same revelation (is it still a revelation if you've had it multiple times?) that I need to calm the fuck down and live my life.

This does not mean not to fight for what I want and need but to give things time to actually happen and not go crazy because it hasn't happened like right now!

I have had moments of insanity because once again the visitation arrangements with my kids have been screwed up and I need a better solution to it but until I find out I have a wealthy relative who has died and left me a fortune - affording an attorney  is not going to happen. I need to work with what I have until I can afford said attorney or said unknown wealthy relative or anonymous donor comes forward. You all know how desperately I need my children and I haven't seen them in over a week and right now I don't know if I will be seeing them this weekend so you can imagine how this is making me feel. I'm a walking Hallmark card. But I'm being positive about it - I've thrown some things out into the air and I am hoping that they will catch and things will change. I miss my babies and I need them - but I'm no good to them if I'm a raging emotional basket-case now am I?

I have also had moments of insecurity about my relationship with Mr. Big. Even though I know all things are hunky dorey and I couldn't be happier - I'm still worried about me as a person in a relationship. Since my marriage didn't work - I wonder if I am trying too hard or not trying enough. We are nearing the 3 year mark together and I just need to stop and breathe and enjoy it. I am one of the few people out there who can actually say that has a healthy relationship built on trust, friendship, and love. I am a truly lucky person and I am thankful for him in my life every second of every day. Now, if only Nancy Nagger in my head would just decide to take a permanent vacation I'd be in Happy Heaven...I think I'm going to book her a flight - maybe to Brunei??

Then there is the issue of social interaction and feeling of isolation. I'm not saying that I am the most social of people - well, I am but I'm not. I'm restricted socially because of budget like many people. All the action is in Key West and costs $$ and you should really do it with someone. I don't have a someone. I really don't have friends here. The few people that I do know I have met through some volunteer efforts or my father. We interact on FB but a "hey! let's hang out" kind of thing - nope! I miss my friends and family on the mainland (yes, we say mainland here...funny thing I heard on the radio yesterday "If you live closer to Cuba than to Wal-Mart, you're in Conch country" - yeah, that's me!). Mr. Big works long hours and so a lot of times I am by myself and well, that sucks ass. But, this is all on me. I need to make more of an effort to get out there and meet people and just do my thing. I'm likeable, I'm personable, right?

There are other issues with work and home and family that if I write it all I would be here all day and the truth is - everyone has issues and problems. We all think ours are bigger than those of others and our worlds crumble for different reasons.

But the fact of the matter is that the way we live our lives starts within us - we have to be able to recognize that we can't do it all and we have to wait for things to fall in to place as they should..

We have to take the necessary steps to be happy and then let fate, God, space aliens...whatever you believe to be the guiding source of this world do its magic and see what unfolds before you.

I cannot control everything, no matter how hard I try. So for now, its time to start paving the path of where I want to go and how I want to live and let life lead me the rest of the way.

This should be easy right? Right?

Catching Waves and Making Miracles

Imagine a day where the sun is shining and the sound of waves crashing and the laughter of children fills the air.

This laughter is one that is limited in its release but today, today there are no limitations to it because today, they do not have autism - today they are just children enjoying a day at the beach with friends and trying something new - surfing!

Yes, my children went surfing!!

I was given the opportunity to have my children attend a surfing session hosted by Lance Carroll Therapy Surfing and Butterfly Effects. This was their first time attempting something like this.

My mind was in a blur and my heart was racing.

I was nervous. I was excited. I was everything all rolled into one.

The boards were all lined up, the families were all gathering together and talking about their past experiences with Surfers for Autism who introduced us to this autism-surfing-whisperer Lance Carroll.

Princess turned to me telling me that she didn't trust anyone with Silly. That she was scared.

The other children looked at the water with hesitation and worry.

Silly went running for the water oblivious to the reason why we were there.

Monkey started crying that he didn't want to surf as I strapped him into his life jacket.

This triggered tears and cries from Baby Girl repeating the same thing.

One of the moms who we know came to us and told them it was all going to be okay. That they did not have to worry, they did not have to do it if they did not want to. Then she whispered to me "They will do it, just give them time. Relax and enjoy it all."

She was right.

As the other participants started to take to the waves, I heard "when can we go?"

First it was Bug and as Princess saw him approach the water, she tightened her grip on Silly's hand, looked at me, and I told her it was going to be okay.

Her eyes opened and a smile started to curve. I hear Buddy scream "Look its Bug!"

As he approaches the shore with the largest smile on his face and a "Look mom!" on his voice - the instructor approached her and Silly. I let him guide Silly to one of the other instructors and he approached her - with the worried look on her face - and told her - "Do you want to try?" She shakes her head no and I tell her - "Go with Lance - he's the best there is! You can trust him - see?" and I pointed to her brothers who were taking to the water like naturals.

He extended his hand to her and she took it and followed him into the water.

Wave after wave. Board after board. My kids entered the water with nerves and came out with excitement and the urge to go back for more.

Between Buddy's "I'm surfing!" to Baby Girl's "Again! Again!" the day was perfect.

One child was running away from the boards, no matter how many people tried to talk to him and show him that it was okay. Monkey preferred to keep his feet firmly buried in the sand. In came the whisperer to try and talk with him. All I could hear my son say is "I don't want to surf!" They compromised for a walk on the board over the sand to sit on the shore. Lance looked back at me and promised he would get him in the water.

He stood on the shore and watched his siblings play in the waves and look up at me - I tell him "it's okay - you don't have to if you don't want to" and he continued to play in the sand.

More children surfed and I heard from another mom tell me in passing that Bug told her "This is the best mommy day ever!"

Tears filled my eyes and the other moms hugged me because they had been where I was before. They had witnessed the same miracles with their children.

There was still one who was hesitant. As we ran in the sand and played in the water he kept looking over his shoulders.

He was watching the children play and laugh and scream. His siblings interacting with other children and laughing about the fun they were having.

Silly pulling me into the water and trying to push me to the boards so he could ride "More!"

Monkey was approached by one of the instructors and asked "Want to go?" He looked at me. He looked at him. He looked at the water. And shook his head - nervously - yes.

I clasped my hands together and waited with held breath and then...

He got on a board - and rode the wave all the way back to me. 

The smile and laughter that came from his little body was purely amazing, a miracle!

The waterworks started and I couldn't stop.

He was so excited and said he wanted to go back and try it again. But he wanted to go back with Lance. He wanted to show him that he could do it. 

Talk about connection! This was another miracle in and of itself!

He caught up with Lance and I heard "Let's DO this!" with a tiny fist bump in the air and they went towards the water...

My babies were doing something new. 

They were coming out of their shells.

They were being children - laughing and playing with no care in the world.

They were not being judged or stared at.

They were one of the group - there was no different or strange - they were just children. Playing with children.

I did not have to worry about where my children were or what they were doing. They were having fun and interacting with people around them. 

My children were conquering fears and most of all - loving every minute of it!!

From the emails that I have received from their teachers - they have not stopped talking about their experiences and the teachers are even using them (with provided photos) to spark conversations and interactions. 

This experience is benefiting them in so many ways and I could never express my gratitude and appreciation for those who made this day possible.

It was a magical day and I can't wait to do it all over again!

Soon - hopefully soon!